ADC.08

8. Slippery Slope

'Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you' - Friedrich Nietzsche

Joel's last true summer of childhood was over. It is sad for a child to realise that at just twelve years old. When Joel's mother proudly presented him with his new school uniform he should have been pleased, but instead frowned at the thought of school. Joel was actually quite happy because they were the first clothes he hadn't inherited off his older brother, and what's more the trousers were black like those of the other boys. Perhaps it would stop the references to being a tramp, homeless, and poverty stricken.

Harris would now be a senior in Joel's boarding house on the return to school and guardian angel Dixon would have left altogether. Joel hoped the new Sheps would be strong enough to deal with Harris and his cronies. Secretly Joel selfishly hoped Harris would find a new prole to pick on as a softer target, he was ashamed at the thought. Would Joel have the decency to come to such a boy's aid as Herman had with him, or would he turn and look the other way as so many other boys had.

Dinosaur would still be Housemaster and rugby coach for Joel's year, but at least he would no longer be the form master. Hopefully by signing up for the photography class, Joel could curry favour with Dinosaur and maybe get some protection against Harris. It would be a shame because Joel had enjoyed the orienteering, which in truth was just preparation for the mandatory joining of the SCF in the third year. The School Cadet Force was the school's own mini army and was really quite exciting in some respects, especially to a young teen. Everybody had to join in their third year and remain for at least the duration of that year. Afterwards it was optional whether to continue or not. It was the school equivalent of National Service designed to instill discipline, but it was to have the reverse effect on Joel.

Trying to draw some positives from going back to school, Joel thought how it would be fun initiating the new batch of proles. He promised himself he would never behave like Harris though. Joel had conspired on the last day of term with Herman and Kramer on what to bring back to school. He had a bag of flour stashed in his case.

The fateful day finally arrived when Joel had to return to school and the butterflies were flapping for all they were worth. His mother waved tearfully as he left, lugging the heavy case to the bus stop. It took longer by bus and anything that would delay the inevitable was most welcome. Joel's eyes welled up, not because he was leaving his mother or friends, he just didn't want to go back to school. What a contrast to primary school when he couldn't wait to go back.

As Joel arrived at the school gates he immediately saw Carrots. With his size and shock of red hair, Carrots was easy to pick out in a crowd. Standing next to him was Kramer. Kramer and two other boys were making derogatory comments at each prole as they walked past, the silent Carrots just there for muscle. When he saw Joel, Kramer called out:
"Come and join us, these proles don't look like they have any balls!" he laughed.
"Maybe later, I need to get rid of my bag" Joel called back with a smile.

Kramer's reference reminded Joel how they had crouched in the bush to watch their fellow proles getting humiliated, as indeed they had just been themselves. It all seemed so long ago now. Joel had no intention of going back to Kramer who was being pretty mean, almost reducing several nervous proles to tears. It concerned Joel that Kramer might turn into another Harris. At least Kramer had spoken to Joel in a friendly manner, never a bad thing when he was one of the most popular boys in their year.

For the second time now Joel had more or less snubbed Kramer and he really needed all the friends he could get. Seeing Harris pushing some little kid around, Joel gave the bully a wide berth so as not to be noticed. Joel was still in the Lodge as was Harris, but this year he was out of the main dormitory and would be assigned a room to share with two others from his year.

Looking at the notice board in the Lodge, Joel saw he would be sharing with Willy and Dean. Joel liked Willy who had imparted snippets of information on occasion. He was very quiet like Herman but always acknowledged Joel, and didn't tease him for his appearance. Dean was still a little sour from the incident with Harris, but having not had any more problems from the bully he was less hostile. Willy and Dean were already in the room unpacking when Joel walked in. Both greeted him although Dean's greeting was more of a grunt. As Joel unpacked, Willy saw the bag of flour and grinned. He then produced his own bag of flour and six eggs. Dean rolled his eyes.
"Initiations are stupid" he snorted in disgust.
"Just a bit of fun Dean" Willy said.
"It's no fun if you are caught at the front!" Dean retorted sourly.

Dean was a game lad but unfortunately, like Joel, not very big. When they were bombarded in the showers, Dean was right near the entrance. He had tried frantically to squeeze through some of the other boys but was blocked by a solid wall of wet skin, too slippery to man-handle out of the way. As a result Dean took more than his fair share of direct hits. Perhaps it was why he was so upset by the incident with Harris in the woods.

It was debatable whether the sting of the eggs hitting bare flesh was better or worse than the bruising thud of a full bag of flour, but Joel thought better than to ask Dean his opinion. It might rub salt in the wounds and seem like a taunt. Joel decided to open his bag of flour before he threw it, at least it would soften the blow by allowing the flour to escape without the bag having to split on impact.

Assembly felt slightly different for Joel, better. As a second year he was no longer right at the front of the hall. With a line of proles separating Joel and his fellow second years from the stage, it felt comforting being partially obscured from the view of the teachers. When the new day boys arrived on the Monday morning there would be three rows in front of them which was even better. After assembly the second years and to a lesser extent the third years, hurried back to the boarding house to prepare their ammunition for the showers. All the doors to the second and third year rooms were open so they could see the proles nervously undressing for the showers. As the last proles left the main dormitory, the older boys emerged from their rooms armed to the teeth, and hurried after them.

When Joel approached the shower room the mayhem was already in full swing. He waited patiently and was one of the last in line to offload his parcel. Joel saw the look on the faces of the boys at the front of the showers. One or two appeared to be crying and the others looked genuinely frightened. He thought about what Dean had said and as Joel struggled with his conscience, his hesitation hadn't gone unnoticed.

Harris shoved Joel hard in the back and as he lurched towards the proles Joel tripped over the raised entrance to the showers. He was catapulted forward falling among the proles, Joel's hands spread out to steady himself. The wet, slippery skin of the proles did nothing to slow Joel's descent and he hit the shower floor hard splitting his forehead open. It sparked mass panic among the proles who stampeded out of the showers. Joel was trodden on, kicked and kneed in the ensuing melee. His head hit the floor a couple more times then it all went dark.
"You are an ass Harris" Herman said angrily.
"Careful Herman" Harris warned "you are still a prole to me and I would be careful with whom you choose to make an allegiance"
"I've a mind to report you to the Housemaster"
"Ah yes, Dinosaur. Don't think your special relationship has gone unnoticed" Harris taunted and Herman flew at the bully, fists flailing.

Tyrell and Stone stepped in but Willy saved Herman.
"Stop it!" Willy yelled "We need to get Phillips to matron, he looks bad"
"What is going on?" the new Shep demanded as he stepped into the shower room.

Harris looked at the Shep contemptuously but turned and walked away without a word. Joel was groggy but moving. A bump was already rising under the small half inch cut on his forehead. For such a little cut there was an awful lot of blood, or at least seemed to be as it mixed with the shower water. Joel hadn't been unconscious for more than a few seconds but he was dazed and disorientated. One thing being knocked cold did do, was make Joel sleepy. His head nodded as Herman, Willy, and the Shep hauled him to his feet. Joel just wanted to be left alone, the cold water splashing against his face felt good. He remembered nothing of being carried to the sick bay as the darkness came back.

'Well I managed to beat my record I suppose' Joel thought as he finally opened his eyes. It had only taken a few hours before he needed medical attention this year. When Joel woke up again Herman was stood looking over him with concern. He saw Joel's eyes open and shouted:
"He's waking up Matron!"
"This can't be heaven you're too ugly to be an angel" Joel said with eyes half open.
"That's certainly not where you will go when you expire" Herman snorted.
Joel laughed, then grimaced, as his head pounded.
"The doctor will be here in a minute" Matron said a little relieved as she entered the room.

Still drying her hands, she looked into Joel's eyes then at the clumsily applied butterfly stitches on his forehead. Kindly as Matron was, lacerations were not her speciality. The blood-flow which had waned to a trickle began to gush again when she agitated the area by trying to tidy up the stitches. The poor old girl shook like a leaf when she initially put them on. The butterfly stitches were merely sticky plasters designed to hold the two sides of the wound together, and they came off due to the blood moistening the area.

She brought a couple of fresh ones in but unaware Joel didn't actually feel any pain (apart from an accompanying headache), Matron tried to apply the new stitches as gently as possible. Sensing her trepidation Joel suggested he put them on himself and Matron fetched a mirror. Joel sat up in the sick-bay bed and Matron held the mirror. She was still shaking a little and Joel's attempt was equally as clumsy, he was confused working with a mirror image.
"My, my, you are in the wars" Matron soothed, then to Herman "Go and get the boy some dry clothes"

Joel's wet clothes had been removed and Herman trotted back to the Lodge as instructed. He came back with a change of clothes but Joel noticed immediately the trousers weren't his. The only spare pair Joel had were the grey ones.
"I couldn't find any trousers in your locker so I brought you a spare pair of mine" Herman lied.

Herman was being kind. Those grey trousers were the source of much ridicule for Joel in his first year. Matron left the room to let the boy change.
"Where are my other clothes?" Joel asked.
"I put them in the drying room for you, they were sopping wet" Willy replied.
"Yes Matron said we should take them off in case you caught cold, but she did insist on taking your underpants off herself" Herman smirked and Joel's eyes widened.
"No she didn't" Willy said in his usual no nonsense manner "I took them off, Matron left the room"

Willy didn't do teasing or lying, he was an odd boy in some ways, but his honour couldn't be questioned. Joel was dressed and sat on the edge of the bed when Matron came back in. She looked the boy over after ushering Herman and Willy out.
"I suppose you fell over like last year" Matron said with a knowing look.
"With a little help" Joel couldn't keep the bitterness out of his tone.
"If there is anything you want to tell me..." Matron said letting her words trail off.
"I'll be fine" Joel assured her and smiled.

The doctor then came in and looked at the stitches with disbelief.
"Who put these on?" he demanded.
"I-I did" Joel answered nervously thinking he was in trouble.
"What? You mean you had to put your own stitches on?"

The doctor was incredulous but kept silent as he moved a pencil in front of Joel's eyes, asking him to follow its path without moving his head. Joel had a mild concussion, not for the first nor last time. The doctor turned to Matron.
"Make sure he stays awake until bedtime and he should be fine, is there someone who can sit with him"
"I'm sure I can find someone" Matron assured the doctor.

Matron asked Herman to spend some time with Joel to keep him awake. The doctor would return on Monday but Joel was to remain in sick bay until then. Joel was crest-fallen. He would miss the pole-fights over the pool once again. His competitive spirit yearned to try his strength.

Joel and Herman talked at great length as they sat on the bed playing cards. It was eye-opener for Joel who generally despised the rich kids he had been thrust among. For all Joel's beatings at home he knew he was loved and cared for. Many of the boarders at Forester were packed off there for convenience. They had no real friends where they lived and many had comparatively loveless lives. In a somewhat ironic twist Joel felt sorry for the very boys who mocked him for being poor. His family might sometimes struggle to put food on the table, and he might not have much in the way of material things, but it dawned on Joel he was far wealthier when it came to the most important thing of all.... love.

After Herman eventually left, Joel had time to collect his thoughts. His mind drifted back to two days earlier and playing football with his friends. His summer of joy was well and truly over.

The initial mishap over with, Joel settled into the school routine again quite quickly. It was obvious Harris would get pretty much his own way this year. The Sheps were a weak bunch and just wanted a quiet time. That didn't bode well for Joel. Once again he was thankful of Herman's loyalty.
"I've signed up for photography" Joel told the only boy he could come close to calling a friend.
"You idiot!"

It wasn't the reaction Joel was expecting, he thought Herman would be pleased.
"This will be your third year it can't be that bad!" Joel suggested.

After rugby which was a double period on a Wednesday (and the only day the boys didn't have afternoon registration), school was finished and the day boys could go home after showers. When the last of the teachers left, a contraband football would be produced and the boarders trotted over to the far field. It was always the far field because a teacher could be seen coming from far off and the boys would run into the trees at the start of the cross-country course to avoid being caught.

One or two proles would appear, just as Herman and Joel had done the previous year, and would watch or act as ball boys. Sometimes if the sides were uneven, one might be invited to play as goalkeeper, a position nobody seemed to relish. As the second years set up the goals with one side's shirts, one of the proles started juggling a ball. Everybody stared as he effortlessly kept the ball in the air. His name was Richards and he was immediately invited to play. Richards wasn't just about tricks either, he was more than a match for more than half of the second years.

At half-time some of the boys lit up cigarettes. Joel last smoked a cigarette with Scott over a year ago. It seemed a waste of money but when Richards offered him a cigarette he took it, more to show he could smoke if he wanted to. Herman didn't smoke and nobody else would offer Joel one, obviously Richards didn't realise Joel wasn't the most popular boy in his year. Smoking was still thought to be 'pretty cool' in a rebellious sort of way and was widespread throughout the school.

On the way back to the Lodge the boys took a shortcut through the copse where the assault course was. They walked right into Harris, Tyrell, and Stone, who themselves had been smoking under cover of the trees. They were standing by the hoist and Harris recognised Richards. Harris, Tyrell, and Stone had been involved in the 'got balls' initiation and it was only the calming influence of other third years that stopped things getting out of hand. Richards stood out because of his complete lack of a reaction. Neither fear nor humiliation, and that irked Harris.
"Prole! Get yourself over to this hoist, now!" Harris demanded.
"I believe I have already had that pleasure sir" Richards responded as cool as you like.
"Do not argue with me, just get here!" ordered Harris annoyed by Richards' insolent manner.
"If you want to see my balls again why not just ask?" Richards' tone was mocking and the other boys laughed.

Harris went red with rage and moved towards Richards menacingly. Herman and Joel stepped forward in unison, blocking Harris' path. Several of the football boys behind them stood their ground as well. Harris thought better of it.
"This matter is by no means done and dusted" Harris said threateningly but turned away, followed by his cronies.

Joel felt sorry for Richards because the boy didn't know what he had let himself in for. Nothing seemed to faze him. He was comparatively slight in build albeit of a similar size to Joel, but there was a confident air about him. Had he not been a prole, Joel would have spent more time with him from the onset. Richards was quite a strange in many respects, but Joel thought the same of most boys at Foresters. He liked the fact Richards had stood up for himself,  it reminded Joel of his friends in the village. Richards was always invited to play football from that day and he had taken a shine to Herman and Joel for intervening with Harris.

* * * * *

Joel had heard all the rumours about the boys from the local Comprehensive but they all stemmed from a long time before. Forester boys had long since learned to go into town in groups and apart from verbal abuse there was little or no confrontation. The worst thing of course was when a boy sneaked out of school grounds as Joel was prone to do. With no others from Forester around town and the uniform a dead give-away, it was the time when Joel (or others) were most vulnerable.

Just happy to get out of school, Joel often sneaked out alone. He wondered about the local boys. If they hated the boys from Forester so much they couldn't be all bad. Joel stupidly believed he could make friends with some of the local boys. He underestimated the loathing felt towards his school uniform. His upbringing didn't count, he was one of them in essence, but his uniform said otherwise. The hatred may have been to the upper-class accents, a by-product of wealth, or the arrogance a lot of Forester boys displayed. They had a tendency to look down their nose at anyone and everyone. Joel didn't blame the local boys for their prejudices.

One evening Joel slipped away after dinner and went to the park on his own. It had rained earlier but cleared up by the time Joel left the school grounds. There were only two boys in the park to begin with and Joel would have gone to talk to them but they were older and gave him a funny look. Soon the park started filling up with kids of all ages and Joel looked for someone to approach. He saw a boy on his own who looked to be a similar age. Joel approached the boy. When the boy saw Joel coming he turned round and hurriedly walked the other way. Turning back Joel saw six or seven boys walking towards him.

There was something not quite right about their demeanour and Joel had a bad feeling. He turned away, suddenly nervous. Joel had only walked a couple of paces when he was grabbed by the shoulders and spun around. The biggest of the boys looked at him.
"Where are you going little girl?" he asked mockingly.
"I'm a boy" Joel responded with as much confidence as he could muster.
"Boys that like boys are the same as girls" he scoffed.

Joel wanted to argue but the atmosphere was hostile and he was scared. He tried to turn and walk away but the other boys had surrounded him and he was pushed back into the middle.
"What do you want?" he asked truculently.
"We wanna see yer tits" one of the other boys said laughing.
"I told you, I'm a boy" Joel said still defiant.
"We'd best see then" the biggest boy said and lunged at Joel.

They all grabbed Joel and started tugging at his clothes. He struggled but there were too many and he lost his blazer, trousers and a shoe before hearing a voice.
"Leave him alone!"

Three older girls had seen what was happening and came to Joel's rescue. The boys laughed and trotted off with their booty.
"Ha ha, you girls stick together!" the ringleader shouted back.

The local lads threw Joel's clothes into a puddle and jumped on them, two of the girls chased the boys off. They retrieved Joel's clothes for him.
"Your clothes are soaking wet" one girl said passing them to Joel.

It was uncomfortable putting his trousers back on but he was self-conscious standing in front of the older girls in just his underpants.
"You can come back to my house and my mum'll wash them for you if you want" one girl offered.
"I can't. I shouldn't even be out and have to get back quick" Joel explained.
"Shame, you're kinda cute" the girl said and kissed Joel on the cheek making him blush.

It almost brought a tear as Joel was reminded of Jodie, it was the last time he had blushed and though it made him feel uncomfortable, it was nice as well. It seemed in just about every situation Joel's thoughts always turned to the village.

The girls walked him back to the school to make sure he didn't get ambushed and they promised to look out for him again. Joel went straight to the showers to wash his trousers and blazer whilst showering. Putting the clothes in the drying room, he hoped they would be dry by morning. He still had the grey pair of trousers as spare but didn't have another blazer. Joel went up to the dormitory as if just having showered and was relieved nobody had missed him. The experience put Joel off going into town on his own for a while. There were other repercussions. The next day Joel looked even scruffier than normal, his blazer was a creased up mess and he had lost two of the three buttons.
"My God, do we allow tramps in the school now?" one boy said to a friend.

The boy had said it quietly but Joel heard the comment. It was all too much for Joel and he hit the boy hard splitting his eyebrow open. The boy fell over but it was a delayed reaction. It was when he saw the blood, and probably fainted as opposed to being knocked out by Joel. It made no difference.
"Headmaster's study after breakfast Phillips, get up Duggan and go and see Matron" Herrn said without emotion as he surveyed the scene.

Herrn was the German teacher whom was unjustly referred to as 'Herrn'. It was with reference to Herr (Mr.) and the fact that weak masculine nouns are given an 'n' in the German language, implying the teacher was a weak masculine. Herrn was a smoker. He had made a point of finding every hiding place and he patrolled them. Smoking was punishable by six of the best and the cigarettes were confiscated and destroyed. Herrn would catch boys smoking but would just confiscate the cigarettes and gloat, especially if he caught a boy with a nearly full packet. At least the boys didn't get the beating but it was annoying nevertheless. For reasons unknown, Herrn hated Dinosaur and did little to hide it.

The feud between the two schools had been going on a long time but for Joel it had become personal and he wouldn't forget the older local boy in a hurry. If he had any sense, Joel would have put the incident behind him and considered himself lucky the girls were there to save him. As you've probably guessed by now, Joel had a crappy attitude even before circumstances were to conspire to make it worse. It was to be quite a while before he was to get a chance of revenge on the Comprehensive boys, out of school hours. In the meantime, there was another way he could gain some satisfaction.

The Comprehensive school had only recently started playing rugby because like most schools, football was the number one sport. It meant they were relatively inexperienced, unlike the Forester boys whose number one sport was rugby. Joel's anger at the boys who humiliated him in the park was to be vented on the rugby field. Unfortunately it was against boys his own age and not the ones who attacked him, but it would do for now. The feud between the schools simmered but never boiled over. In time to come Joel was to be instrumental in changing all that.

Joel didn't understand what all the fuss was about with the photography club. Dinosaur was quite pleasant and relaxed, in stark contrast to his History lessons where he seemed to look for any excuse to punish someone. There were only eight boys signed up which Joel thought low, Dinosaur was not a popular teacher.

Being the History teacher it was perhaps expected that Dinosaur would recreate historical poses. Generally the boys would dress up in historical costumes borrowed from the drama group and Dinosaur would choreograph poses. It was a lot of fun dressing up then taking turns using the cameras. Joel wondered why Herman had a problem with Dinosaur. He seemed to get preferential treatment. Perhaps it was because he always had to stay behind to put away and lock up the equipment. Surely it wasn't that hard. Joel thought about volunteering to stay behind and help. Herman went mad when Joel suggested it. He was hard to fathom sometimes.

Bullying at boarding school was far worse than at other schools because the victim has to be constantly on their guard. They couldn't go home for some respite like day-boys did. Today bullies can take their malice into a victim's home via some social networking site but a computer can be switched off. Unfortunately for Joel, his nemesis Harris didn't have an on / off switch. Harris caught Joel coming back from the dining hall alone. Tyrell and Stone grabbed the boy on the urging of Harris and held his arms. Harris hit Joel in the stomach three times and the boy doubled over in pain.
"No cuts nor bruises to show this time" Harris said smirking as he turned away and Joel struggling for wind thought it was over.
"Oh, I nearly forgot..." Harris said suddenly and turning back lashed out with his foot.

His foot connected with the delicate area between Joel's legs. Joel was unable to suppress the cry of pain as he sank to the ground. He lay there holding himself, unable to move. The pain eventually subsided and Joel rose to his feet determined to be more careful in future. In his mind Joel thought of different ways to hurt Harris but the bully never seemed to be alone. Joel had no friends to back him up. Even the boys who didn't dislike Joel recognised the fact that being friendly with him was likely to draw attention to themselves.

It didn't even occur to Joel he was the victim of bullying. His mulish tendencies wouldn't allow him to take injustice lying down and Joel believed boys who were bullied to be weak. One thing Joel did learn was empathy. He understood how it must feel to be discriminated against for whatever reason. Joel's class was set an English language assignment whereby the boys had to write an essay on a 'four-legged friend', the best ones to be read out in class. Most boys wrote nice little stories about a dog, a cat, or a horse. Joel's story was selected to be read out. His only ever four-legged pet was Zorro so he naturally wrote about the pole-cat. The essay told how the village boys put the ferrets down their trousers which caused much mirth.
"Why on earth did you choose a pole-cat for a pet?" one boy asked after Joel finished reading.

When Joel explained about catching rabbits, more and more questions were fired at him by a number of boys. Even Campbell, the English teacher, seemed interested. Joel saw the looks on the faces of some boys and a wicked glint came into his eye. None of these boys knew what it was like to catch and kill their own food. Joel took great delight in telling how he killed his first rabbit and hit it so hard the eyes had popped out. Graphic descriptions on gutting and skinning the rabbit followed. A couple of boys who regarded rabbits as sweet little bunnies looked decidedly queasy.

The bell called Joel's story to a halt but none of the boys moved as Joel finished his story. Joel was the only boy whose essay had promoted a debate of sorts. He wished he could show his classmates how the boys of the village hunted rabbits and pheasants, tickled trout and cooked crabs. They had never known the fun and satisfaction a boy gets from being able to fend for himself away from civilisation. Perhaps they wouldn't be so mean or stand-offish if they knew how to have a bit more fun.
"I want a follow essay, minimum 500 words, on my 'exotic pet'. This can be anything at all, use your imaginations" Campbell told the class.
"Can it be a tiger Sir?" one boy asked.
"It can be anything at all"
"What if I don't have one Sir?" Joel asked.
"Nobody expects you to have a tiger, use your imagination!"
"It's imagination I don't have Sir" Joel said and some boys laughed irritating Campbell.
"With the story you have just told us all I am sure that is not the case"
"But that all happened" Joel protested but he could see Campbell had caused some boys to doubt him.

Feeling aggrieved, Joel's follow up essay wasn't exactly what Campbell expected. Even though no reading out was scheduled, Campbell chose to read Joel's to the rest of the class. Joel put on a pained expression. The essay was a protest of sorts against Campbell doubting him, Joel didn't expect it to be heard by his classmates. It caused much hilarity among the class and Joel suddenly realised he could make people laugh.

Joel chose a trained house spider as an exotic pet. He wrote some nonsense how it used to come when called until one day he pulled the spider's legs off. Joel said it wouldn't come to him anymore and stated spiders go deaf if you pull their legs off. It was more protracted but you get the idea. The story signalled the emergence of Joel as the 'Class Clown'. He couldn't make the boys like him but the ability to hold their interest and make them laugh felt like he had a little power. Joel didn't realise it was just another nail in the coffin.

What was he thinking of? He provided a source of entertainment for the very boys who hated him and often antagonised teachers to do it. Thank goodness for rugby.

* * * * *

Now he was part of the photography club Joel found himself in Dinosaur's good books. His marks in History greatly improved and Joel became a regular in the school rugby team. In fairness Joel deserved his place in the team, but he hadn't made any extra effort in History yet soon went from the bottom five in the class to the top five.

It irritated Joel how the teacher could manipulate the marks one way or the other, but he wasn't about to voice his displeasure. It also irritated Joel how Herman had discouraged him from joining the photography club. He could have had far fewer canings if he had joined the club in the beginning and thought Herman was maybe guarding his standing as class pet.

Joel was making boys laugh in class and gained a certain amount of respect through rugby, but after school hours he found himself very much alone. By not engaging in conversation with other boys, Joel was also lacking a certain knowledge which among twelve and thirteen year old boys was becoming obsessive. In the showers after games the difference between Joel and his peers was becoming even more noticeable and he began to wonder if there was something wrong with him.

Joel became self-conscious overnight. His lack of maturity shared only by Kramer and one or two other boys, was now a source of shame. Joel felt inadequate and hung back at shower time so as few boys as possible would see him. It meant tepid water but it was a small price to pay for not being observed. Kramer must have had similar thoughts but took it a step further and chose to shower with his shorts on. After rugby one afternoon Dinosaur went into the changing rooms to check up on the boys just as Kramer came out of the shower.
"Get those shorts off boy! Are you ashamed of what you've got?" Dinosaur boomed.
"Ashamed of what he hasn't got more like" one boy said and there was a lot of sniggering.

All eyes were on Kramer as he let his wet shorts drop to the floor his hand covering his embarrassment.
"Now get back in there and wash properly" Dinosaur ordered then noticed Joel dawdling "And what are you waiting for Phillips?"
"Nothing Sir" answered Joel and strode to the shower seemingly unconcerned.
"Come on the rest of you, get dressed" Dinosaur said curtailing the sniggers.

Joel looked at Kramer. Was he crying? It was hard to tell with water splashing on the boy's face but his eyes looked red. It might just have been the shampoo. After that day Joel and Kramer began to get friendlier, both sharing this neotenic curse. Joel liked Kramer when he was on his own. He didn't show off and put on a front like he did in the presence of other boys.

Kramer chattered away and Joel was happy to listen even though he didn't believe or agree with a lot of what was said. Herman and Willy never talked much and Dean was moody so Joel had never heard so many words all in one go. It was almost like being back in the village where he couldn't get a word in edgeways. Kramer spoke endlessly about girls, mostly rude things, and Joel had so many questions he wanted to ask, but could he trust Kramer?

ADC,09

9. Breaking Point

Constant abuse will drive anybody to their wits end. The results vary considerably as does the length of time it takes for someone to snap. At some point even the most timid boy will turn and fear is replaced by rage - jp

Buster was a different kind of a bully to Harris and Joel could almost tolerate it.... almost. Unlike Harris the bullying from Buster was indiscriminate. He had a couple of cronies but in general Buster regarded everybody with equal contempt. The form of bullying by Buster was quite impromptu and the recipient random. It had been established by now that Joel was quite tough. Buster thought of himself as the toughest boy in their year so he naturally wanted to put Joel to the test. In truth it was probably Carrots but he had nothing to prove.
"Champion!!" Buster declared as he won yet another game of knuckles.

Joel watched the beaten boy rubbing the back of his hands. He had never played knuckles and Buster eyed him up. Buster wanted to play the game with another boy but there was a marked reluctance to challenge him.
"How about you Phillips, you don't look scared" Buster taunted.

He had said it in such a way Joel would find it hard to refuse. The last time the pair clashed resulted in Joel coming off better, if the subsequent caning by Dinosaur was overlooked.
"Okay"

The boys put their fists together. The idea was when contact was broken the 'hitter' would try and rap the back of the other boy's knuckles. If he missed then the other boy would have a turn as hitter. If contact was made the hitter would have another go until he missed. The bout was over when one boy backed out. Buster hit Joel every time. Joel's knuckles were red raw but he kept going, refusing to admit defeat. In the end Buster was hurting himself hitting Joel, and he was clearly expecting his opponent to give up. Joel wouldn't concede and it was the bell that eventually saved both boys. Buster respected Joel a little because of the way he stood up to him, but it didn't mean he would leave the boy alone.

Joel's flippant attitude during classes brought him into conflict with several teachers, although he behaved impeccably for Dinosaur. Dinosaur had caned Joel more than any other teacher but it had been weeks since the last time. There was even talk of Joel helping with a special assignment in the photography club next term when the emphasis shifted from war to sport. Joel's excitement wasn't shared by Herman who was also pencilled in.

Campbell was a problem verbally but the Geography teacher Cratchett was worse. Cratchett never actually caned Joel but he did hurl a few choice missiles at the boy. He was a good shot as well. Chalk frequently bounced off Joel's head when he lost concentration through Buster kicking his chair, or some other nuisance. A couple of times when Joel had smart-mouthed Cratchett, the teacher had hurled the blackboard rubber at the boy. It wasn't too bad if the chalky cushioned part hit, but if the wooden side caught Joel it hurt a lot. He had it bounce off his rib-cage once but the worst time was when it hit his knuckles and a lump came up that didn't go down for weeks.

Cratchett could be quite inventive too. He would make Joel stand at the front of the class and hold out a heavy book at arms length. Next to where Joel stood was a radiator and to gain some respite Joel would rest his hand on the radiator. The weight of the book on Joel's hand against the hot radiator caused a different kind of pain and Cratchett chuckled to himself as he watched the boy out of the corner of his eye. Joel hated it when Cratchett wandered around the class, especially if he was carrying something. A blow would come from out of the blue whether it was with a stack of books, a ruler, or some other weapon, and it was hard to prepare against.

Harris saw Joel as a threat to his dominance within the Lodge. It simply wouldn't do for a prole to show such a lack of fear and respect. Joel had become wise to Harris and managed on the whole to keep out of his way. There was trouble brewing though and Joel knew it. He felt like turning to attack as a means of defence. Harris was considerably bigger but Joel wasn't scared of him on his own. The trouble was he never seemed to be alone. Joel didn't realise that by avoiding Harris he was putting others in danger, not least Herman and Richards.

Christmas was coming. Joel would see his father for the first time in a year, and needed his friends more than ever right now.

* * * * *

It was a relief to finally escape the school. Joel had been on edge for the last week as Harris stepped up his hate campaign. Thankfully the abuse had just been verbal with Harris unable to get Joel alone. The verbal abuse was okay as it was more humiliating than painful. Joel could handle that, after all it's not like he was ever going to be popular.

There was the worry of the threats. Harris would draw a finger across his throat when he saw Joel in the time worn death threat. It kept Joel on his toes. Showers were the biggest danger and Joel's new found self-consciousness made him even more vulnerable to attack. He was no longer comfortable showering with Herman even though the boy hadn't said anything untoward. Joel didn't mind showering with boys who were also late to mature but there were fewer and fewer in his year.

Kramer was the only boy Joel was comfortable with, but he usually had Carrots on hand. To get caught in the showers by Harris would be painful, so a couple of times Joel skipped them. It was noticed and the writing of two pages as a punishment were nothing compared to the 'smelly' or 'stinky' taunts. It just seemed Joel couldn't do anything right and the slightest lapse would be picked up on, giving his peers more ammunition.

Joel had learnt to control his temper a little and it hadn't gone unnoticed it was now rare he attacked his tormentors, choosing to ignore the taunts. The result was even more abuse, and from boys previously too scared to say anything. Joel had given up trying to stop boys teasing him, he was tired. Being on high alert all the time was taking its toll. The fight was draining the life from the boy. Sullen and reclusive, Joel was becoming anonymous, a ghost almost. The school felt like a prison and the days until his release were counted down. On any day Joel could tell you exactly how many days were left until the next school holidays.

A weird thing happened as awaited his bus home. Joel cried. Not just a case of tears welling up, but huge racking sobs. It was like a release valve had been triggered and interspersed with the sobs was laughter. Was he losing his mind?

Joel's father had returned from The Falklands soon after Joel had gone back to school and went away again after a couple of weeks leave. He was still at sea when Joel returned home but was due back before Christmas. Almost as a ritual Joel tore his hated uniform off and sought his bed. Burying his face in the pillow the scent was heady. School bedding could never smell or feel the way his pillows and bedsheets did at home. Joel climbed into bed. The wintry weather was no good for football and the only ones he wanted to call on were Scott or Jodie who lived furthest away. Joel fell into a deep peaceful sleep the like of which he never had at school.

A knock at the door woke Joel. He looked out the window and saw the rain had stopped. At the door stood Jamie, Ashley, Mattie, and Xander. He waved them in and grabbed his mother's dressing gown from the bathroom to cover himself. It was soft and warm.... and pink! Ashley laughed when he saw Joel coming down the stairs in the pink dressing gown.
"Told you that school would make him into a girl"
"You and him can get married" Xander said joining in.
"Girls don't marry girls you idiot" Mattie snorted.
"Hey!!!" Joel complained then smiled and dived from the stairs onto his friends.

Jamie had side-stepped as the others crashed to the floor in a heap and a free-for-all developed. Joel broke it up quickly before anything was smashed. Catching up on the latest news from the village was the best thing ever. The news wasn't brilliant, nor particularly interesting, but it was things Joel could identify with and relate to. Most important it was related to him by boys who genuinely liked him, who had come round to call for him. FRIENDS!

Alan had his cast off and was the first boy to have a girlfriend, something which drew a mixed reaction from the other boys. Nathan was having a really rough time but Xander and Mattie watched out for him best they could. He looked gaunt and dark circles were round his eyes. Joel frowned.
"They're talking about strikes at the pit" Jamie said adding to the gloom.

The boys were only young when the last strikes went on, but they knew of the accompanying hardship and fell silent.
"What are we doing tomorrow then?" Joel asked cheerfully to brighten the mood, he loved that WE word.
"Football" was Ashley's typical response.
"Hunting" Mattie said equally predictably and Jamie thought a moment.
"Hunting or football" he said with a distinct lack of imagination.
"We could play war" Xander put in.

An animated debate followed as the boys argued what would be the best thing to do. Joel just sat and watched, smiling.
"What are you grinning at?" Xander asked noticing the look on Joel's face.
"You lot, it's just so good to see you all again"

The boys looked at each other. The looks on their faces clearly indicated they thought Joel had gone mad.
"Told you he was a girl, get him" Ashley said and started another free-for-all.

Joel had to get them out of the house before they wrecked the place. The boys decided they would go hunting when the weather turned. There was no point if it was wet, dry frosty weather was best. It was a toss up between football and war, so they decided to wait to see how many boys turned up. Joel didn't care what they did just as long as they did it with him. As the boys left Mattie hung back a moment and looked at Joel strangely.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Of course" Joel replied a little puzzled.
"It's just that... oh never mind"
"Say what you mean" Joel told the boy.

Mattie thought for a moment then sighed.
"It's just that your eyes look like Nathan's"
"I'm okay, honest" Joel assured his friend, he hadn't even noticed the black rings around his eyes.

Mattie ran off to catch the others up and Joel closed the door. He went upstairs and looked in the bathroom mirror slightly worried. It was the first time Joel had looked in a mirror for months and he wondered how long the dark circles had been there.

The boys played war with their pellet pistols the next day and it was good to see Alan again. Joseph and Lawrence were becoming permanent fixtures but Joel still missed Scott and Jodie. Nathan seemed a bit happier but Joel saw what Mattie meant. Joel liked Nathan although he wasn't as close to him as with the others. It puzzled Joel why Nathan should tell him about the problems at home. Perhaps the others were too close, or maybe he sensed Joel was a better listener and wouldn't judge him.

Joel was about to have some problems of his own. The only other birds the boys hunted apart from pheasant were pigeons. As they walked back from the woods a pigeon flew overhead and Joel without thinking took a pot-shot with his air-pistol. He knew he never had a chance of hitting it but what Joel didn't calculate was where the pellet would come down. The pellet hit the windscreen of a parked car and shattered it.

The boys ran off in every direction but Joel froze. The owner saw him and marched Joel home. Joel's mother told the man to get the windscreen fixed and she would pay for it. The man had barely left the house when Joel's mother set about him. Normally Joel wasn't too bothered about being hit by his mother, but she was hitting him with the gun and it hurt like hell. When one hit opened a cut over Joel's eye and the blood seemed to bring his mother back to her senses.

It seemed odd to Joel how his mother would injure him then tend to his wounds, and he winced as the dreaded TCP came out again. He hated the fiery anti-septic liquid more than the actual injuries.
"Wait until your father gets home tomorrow" his mother threatened.

Joel's mother may have been tending his wounds but she was still angry. The cut now paled into insignificance when Joel thought about his father's belt. Frequent canings at school held no fear for Joel but his father's belt was different. It had been a while since the last time but the memory was vivid. The offending gun was thrown in the bin but Joel retrieved it when his mother went to bed. He wrapped the gun in an old T-shirt and hid it under the garden shed.

The next day Joel wasn't allowed out with his friends and had to go with his mother to see his grandmother. Joel had other things on his mind, his father was due at anytime. Like a condemned man Joel moped around and the attempts of his grandmother to cheer him up fell way short of the mark. Seeing his father for the first time in a year should have been a happy reunion, but Joel didn't even look at the man as he walked through the door. Hugs, smiles, and greetings were heaped on Joel's father by the womenfolk and uncle Tom shook his hand. Joel sat frowning. Suddenly school didn't seem so bad.
"What's your problem?" Joel's father asked gruffly.

The whole sorry tale of the windscreen was related to Joel's father who listened intently. Joel felt the blood draining from his face and his father took his arm leading him out the back door. Resigned to his fate Joel didn't even struggle as his father took him into the shed and took his belt off. Joel just looked blankly at his father as though his spirit was crushed, and the will to live was ebbing away.

Joel's father wasn't a heartless man. He just didn't know how to show emotion, having been the man of the family and main provider from fourteen years old. It must have hurt him to be Santa Claus or the Devil incarnate when seeing his son after such a long period. He looked at Joel who stood before him staring blankly into space.
"I'll hit the bench and you yell" he whispered.
"I can't"
"If you don't I'll have to belt you for real" Joel's father warned.

For reasons unknown, Joel couldn't bring himself to go along with the charade, he turned round and bent over. Joel's father grabbed his arm and pulled him round hugging the boy. It was the only time Joel could ever remember being hugged by his father and he just stood impassively with his arms by his side, a single tear running down his cheek.

* * * * *

Christmas hadn't been brilliant and birthdays at boarding school were fruitless. Joel had told his parents not to send a parcel because they often went missing. In truth, he was ashamed to open it in front of the other boys. The parcel came nevertheless. Joel opened it cautiously, as the other boys gathered round to see.

Joel's eyes lit up when he saw the collection of items he needed for school. The calculator being the centre-piece. Calculators were a requirement for every boy. Joel had lied saying he lost his on the train but he had never owned one. All his calculations were done long-hand but Joel didn't care. Numbers and statistics rolled around in Joel's head all the time.
"What on earth is that?" a voice came from behind him.
"Don't scoff, his mother has bought him a valuable antique" another said and laughter erupted.

There was of course the other problem Joel had with his birthday falling during term time. Harris as a third year had no business getting involved in the traditional bumps but he had a whole term without any retribution for his bullying and now it was getting out of hand. The day before Joel's thirteenth, one of the proles had wet his bed and was in the shower room washing his sheets when Harris walked in with his two lap-dogs.
"Look chaps, another little pissant!" he declared.

The boy carried on rinsing out his sheet not daring to look at the three bullies. Harris grabbed him roughly and pushed him back into the shower area. The prole sat back hard quivering in the corner with the three bullies boxing him in. They didn't see Herman enter the shower room. With the bullies preoccupied Herman turned the showers on. All the nozzles sprang to life making the bullies jump back as the jets hit them. Harris just saw Herman's figure disappearing through the door.

That night three shadowy figures crept into Herman's room. He woke to a pillow being pushed hard in his face and blows raining down on his body. Herman's room mates kept their eyes tight shut as the assault continued for a couple of minutes. They hit Herman everywhere on the body only the pillow muffling his cries of pain. Exhausted and suffocating Herman's body relaxed in spite of the blows and then it was over. The next morning Joel was ready for a shower but didn't see Herman so went to his room.
"Come on lazy, get up, it's my birthday!" Joel said cheerfully.

Herman tried to pull the bed sheets back and winced in pain. Joel saw something was wrong and pulled the covers back. Herman's body was covered in red marks, soon to become bruises, and Herman found it painful to move.
"Harris!" Joel spat out angrily.
"I think so, but I can't be sure" Herman said grimacing.
"Who the hell else would it be?" it was obvious even though Joel didn't know about the incident with the prole in the shower.

The pain in Herman's ribs was intolerable and after an initial refusal, he relented and went to see Matron. As a precaution he was sent to hospital for an X-ray. Joel was allowed to go with him and kept Herman company during the long wait for the results. Nothing was broken but back at school Herman was given three days in sick bay with severe bruising. He was naturally questioned but refused to say what happened. Joel was worried. With Herman out of the way he suspected Harris would come after him. Joel guessed what was going to happen and when. It was almost inevitable Harris would involve himself with Joel's birthday bumps in some way.

All evening Joel was on edge and eventually his fears were realised. Joel saw Harris and company coming but there was little he could do.
"Ah the birthday boy" Harris declared with deceptively good humour.
"It's nothing to do with you Harris" Joel snarled as menacingly as he could manage.
"Just a bit of harmless fun Phillips" Harris said pleasantly but it was for the benefit of others and his smile didn't reach his eyes.
"I've seen the result of your harmless fun, Herman is in sick-bay because of it"
"I really do not know what on earth you are implying" Harris said and grabbed Joel's jaw roughly then under his breath "You shouldn't be at this school and I will make your life hell"
"Leave him alone!" a voice piped up and Harris saw Richards standing defiantly with clenched fists.

Harris looked at the prole who had the gall to confront him.
"Perhaps we should toss Phillips and his girlfriend together" Tyrell sniggered.
"My name is Richards" the boy said angrily.
"Richards, yes. I will make sure of remembering that name" Harris said pointedly.

The commotion brought the Shep from his room and he surveyed the scene.
"What the hell is going on?" he demanded then he saw Harris and looked at the floor.
"Harris wants to toss Richards with me and it's not even his birthday" Joel said hoping the Shep would intervene or at least oversee the bumps.
"Harris shouldn't even be tossing him" Richards put in.
"Richards keep out of what doesn't concern you. Harris get it over with, and quickly" the Shep said and went back inside his room closing the door.

The Shep had effectively washed his hands of the whole affair and now Joel was at the mercy of Harris and his cronies. Joel lay on the blanket and Harris, Tyrell, and Stone picked a corner each. Richards went to pick up the remaining corner but was pushed away roughly by Stone.
"Proles do not toss they are too weak!" he snarled.

None of Joel's classmates stepped forward for the last corner and Harris looked around. As his eyes went to each boy in turn they looked at the floor.
"I"ll take the other end" Collins said looking sternly at Harris.

For a moment it seemed Harris would object but he just shrugged and Joel was relieved. He knew Collins wasn't scared of Harris, even though he minded his own business and kept himself to himself.
"Very well" Harris said jovially "Collins it is then"

The first ten bumps were boisterous but nothing Joel couldn't cope with. He was worried though because he knew Harris would do something mean. Sure enough on the next toss, when Joel came down the bullies didn't hold the blanket taut enough and he touched the floor which was not supposed to happen. Collins glared at the bullies. It was enough for Tyrell and Stone to take a tighter grip on the twelfth descent. Harris didn't hold the blanket any tighter though. Joel didn't hit the floor but the tilt of the blanket made him roll towards Harris.
'Just one more' Joel thought with relief.

As he came down for the final time Harris let go of his end. The others held their corners but it did nothing to break Joel's fall and he crashed heavily onto the floor from ceiling height. Joel lay motionless with his eyes closed. Everyone looked accusingly at Harris who gave a hurt look.
"What? He was too close, I had all the weight. What could I do?" he bleated with feigned innocence.

Richards flew at Harris fists flailing, swearing at the bully. The slightly built prole had neither the physique nor the know-how to inflict any damage on Harris but the ferocity of the attack surprised him and Stone had to drag Richards away.
"RICHARDS!" screeched the Shep "Profanity, Headmaster's study tomorrow after breakfast"

The three bullies quickly skulked away.
"What happened?" the Shep asked looking at Joel in a crumpled heap on the floor.

He was conscious but the wind had been taken out of him. Willy had seen what happened and scowled at the Shep, the other boys dispersed so as not to be questioned.
"What the f-" Richards started to say but Collins put a hand over the boy's mouth and led him away before he got himself into more trouble.

Willy knelt down and bent over his room-mate.
"Can you hear me?" Willy asked softly.

Joel opened his eyes and tried to answer that he was in fact fine but could only manage a croak. If it hadn't been for the fact Joel couldn't talk, he wouldn't even have gone to the sick bay. The wind had been taken out of him, nothing more. Willy insisted, worried about Joel's inability to speak. Herman was shocked to see Joel come into sick bay. Matron looked Joel over but he hadn't hit his head and there were no marks. Joel's voice started to come back and he assured her he was fine. Nevertheless Matron let him sleep in sick bay with Herman that night.
"Perhaps we should stay out of his way" Herman suggested dejectedly.
"Then he's won" Joel argued.
"It's not a game you moron; he will never stop" Herman said close to tears.

For Herman's sake Joel didn't argue. He didn't realise the affect it was having on Herman and felt ashamed. After all it wasn't even Herman's fight, he only became involved by looking out for Joel. Joel began to think Herman was right but suspected Harris would thrive on their capitulation. With a day off the following day, Herman and Joel missed the Head's speech about bullying. Joel also missed the illicit game of football. As he prepared to leave the sick bay, Richards came in. His nose was bleeding and he had a fat lip. Joel waited as he watched Matron tend to the boy. When she left the room for a minute Joel nudged Richards.
"Harris?" he asked softly.

Richards nodded and put a finger to his lips.
"The Head never caned me because I was deemed to be in shock due to your injury. Tyrell and Stone dragged me into the copse when I was walking back to the Lodge. Harris said if the Head refused to beat me then justice must be served by someone else"

The door to the next room was open and the boys didn't see Matron behind the door listening to every word. Richards told how Harris had taken a branch from a bush as a makeshift cane.
"But what happened to your face?" Joel asked.
"I kicked him in the balls" Richards whispered.

Harris snapped and set about the boy two years his junior. Joel could feel the rage building up inside, it was all his fault. Everything was his fault, first Dean, then Herman, and now Richards. Joel stormed out of the building just as Matron came in. Striding purposefully to the Lodge Joel picked up a large stone on the way. He went to the games locker in the changing rooms and smashed the padlock off with the stone. Joel opened it up and took out a cricket bat. Hiding it half down his trousers and half up his shirt, Joel smuggled the bat back to his room.

Long after lights out Joel kept himself awake. When he felt he could stay awake no longer, Joel slid from his bed and took up the cricket bat. Opening the door to Harris' room Joel stole towards the bully's bed, his breathing was even. Joel's heart was pounding so hard he felt sure Harris would hear it and wake up. Joel took a deep breath then started battering Harris as hard as he could with the cricket bat.

Harris was squealing like a stuck pig and begging Joel to stop, but a red mist had descended and Joel completely lost control. The lights came on but still Joel hit the blanket covered form of the shrieking bully. Dinosaur came and dragged Joel away in the end, the Shep had roused him being too scared to get involved himself. Joel was put in a locked room at the end of the dormitory for the rest of the night and Harris was taken away to hospital with suspected broken bones.

The next day Joel received his first public flogging. Six of the best over the Headmaster's desk in assembly. In an act of defiance, Joel turned to shake hands with the Headmaster afterwards but was ignored. It caused a rumbling undercurrent among the boys in assembly. Joel was sent home and suspended for two weeks, pending a committee meeting with a view to expulsion. He didn't know whether to be happy or worried.

Perhaps Joel's luck was changing. His father was away which saved a hiding, although when his mother went to bingo on his first night home, he found himself sleeping in the phone box again. Joel's escapades at school came back to his mother via a letter. Naturally it didn't tell the whole story and Joel wasn't allowed to. He had brought shame on the family and that was that. It felt to Joel like he was sliding into an abyss.

Harris had a series of lumps and bumps, mainly on the arms, and a hair-line fracture of a finger. He was in sick bay for a week. The school board met to discuss Joel's fate and damning reports about Harris were forthcoming from Matron, the Shep, and somewhat surprisingly, Dinosaur. It was clear to the board, the nature of Harris and Joel's frequent trips to sick bay were linked. The committee decided the suspension was enough due to 'mitigating circumstances' which they didn't specify. Both Joel and Harris were put on probation until the end of the school year.

Joel could have done cartwheels. It meant Harris would have to keep his nose clean until the beginning of the next school year when he would move to Gatehouse, the boarding house for fourth years upwards. Both Herman and Richards were grateful of the respite as well. Joel was glad for Herman and Richards but 'keeping his nose clean' may not be so easy. He found when one door opens another slams in his face. For now Joel was enjoying his impromptu holiday.

When Joel told his friends about Harris and what happened they all laughed. With the possible exception of Nathan they would have done similar. Certainly Jamie, Ashley, and Scott would have, Unlike the boys at Forester, they didn't find Joel's behaviour at all shocking. Harris made it clear he wouldn't fight fair so he had it coming. Joel hoped it would be the end of the matter but Harris had lost a lot of credibility. The boys in the dormitory heard Harris screaming when Joel was beating him, all of a sudden the bully seemed less fearsome. Harris wouldn't let that pass easily.

Playing football with his friends brought back fond memories of a time that felt so long ago now. If he could take his 11+ exams again would Joel have deliberately failed? Always in the back of his mind was Harris, and Joel wondered how the bully would react on his return.

It didn't take long to find out. The other boys had ribbed Harris mercilessly whilst Joel was suspended and he had been very subdued. As soon as Joel walked into the dormitory it began again. It wouldn't have been so bad but the other boys, possibly fed up with Harris and his malevolent ways, couldn't resist making comments.
"Hear you are signing up for cricket next term Phillips" one said.
"Yes, he swings a mean bat!" another chipped in and Harris scowled.

The boys weren't doing Joel any favours antagonising Harris. When nobody was looking Harris moved his finger across his throat as he glared at his assailant. Kramer's voice came from behind Joel:
"Don't worry about him" he said seeing the gesture.
"I'm not worried" Joel said cockily but his stomach was churning.

Joel reasoned whatever Harris had in mind would be severe, considering the scale of the beating he took. Harris turned and went to his room. Kramer had put his arm around Joel's shoulder in a show of solidarity. It was just as well. The fight seemed to have gone out of Herman and apart from Dinosaur's extra-curricular photography classes, Joel rarely saw him to speak to at any length.

Rugby was Joel's outlet. The school team had started living up to expectations at last and put a winning sequence together. School house won the inter-house trophy as was usual and it felt good to be on a winning team. It was the only time Joel felt as if he belonged in this alien environment.

Fortunately Harris kept his distance although the threatening gestures didn't let up. Joel was touched by Kramer's show of support and their common affliction brought them closer together. In spite of Joel's doubts about Kramer he convinced himself his new friend was cut from a different cloth to Harris. Joel began to overlook the way Kramer teased other boys. It was as though Kramer was insecure about his slight stature and felt the need to make others feel small. Joel was still reluctant to run with the pack.

Hanging back for showers after practice was when the two boys talked most. Kramer's knowledge of matters carnal seemed to be second to none in their year. Joel doubted most of the stories but he finally learnt the mechanics of sex. Even though he knew Alan had a girlfriend in the village, Joel couldn't believe any girl their age would do what Kramer was describing. Kramer's stories just seemed too incredible, but they were entertaining. It did make Joel think of Jodie but he certainly couldn't imagine her doing the things Kramer spoke of, even if he had the courage to suggest it.

With being on probation Joel was unable to sneak out of the school grounds which gave him more time to study. So although he continued to be a source of amusement to his classmates, very few teachers had any complaints about Joel's industry. As the term drew to a close Joel had worked his way into the top three in most of his subjects. At least his reception at home might be more benign, even taking into consideration the suspension.

For the first and only time Joel was almost sad the term had to end. Rugby season was over and neither cross-country nor cricket appealed, contrary to the comments about Joel's bat wielding prowess.

ADC.10

10. Dead On Arrival

'Death is a strange experience but one everybody should try at least once before they die' - jp

When Joel arrived home for the Easter holidays his father was there. The boy sensed something was amiss. His father frowned.
"Look at the state of you" he admonished.

Joel looked down at himself a little puzzled. He was a bit dishevelled but no more than usual.
"What?"
"You can put a suit on a pig, but it's still a pig" his father snorted derisively.
"Go and get changed" his mother ordered rather coldly.
"Nice to see you, glad you're home, how was school..." Joel muttered under his breath as he climbed the stairs.

Opening his bedroom door Joel's eyes nearly popped out. A brand new bicycle! Joel's only previous bike was one he had made up from old bits he found lying around. He rushed downstairs four steps at a time.
"Is it mine?" he asked excitedly.
"No, it's the new blokes. We're renting your room out" his father said but was unable to keep the smile away.
"Thank you" Joel mumbled hardly able to believe his ears.

He turned and dashed back upstairs. Joel had been asking for a bike since he was five years old, he stopped asking at ten. It was unbelievable, the best thing ever. Joel was over the moon.
"What do yer think then?"

Joel's head swung round seeing his father had followed him upstairs. Joel's mother stood behind him in the doorway.
"Oh wow" was all Joel could manage.

Joel turned to hug his father but a hand was thrust out before he could get close. Father and son shook hands. Joel rushed to his mother and flung his arms around her and she hugged him back. He didn't want to let go but after a few seconds she pushed him away.
"Come on that's enough now, let's see you ride it"

For two days, Joel was never off the bike. On the third morning he did his chores hurriedly, so he could get out on his new bike.
"Where are you going?" came a voice that stopped Joel in his tracks.
"Out"
"Not until you make that fire properly and chop some more kindling" his father contested.
"I'll be late meeting the others" Joel complained.
"Should have got up earlier"
"I did but someone made me do it again"
"Do it right or do it twice!"

Joel rolled his eyes. He had heard the time-worn expression countless times, but as he rebuilt the fire Joel recognised it would have been difficult to light. Damn his father for being right all the time! He dashed out after rebuilding the fire, not bothering to wash his hands or even get a slice of bread and jam.

In spite of the hold up Joel met his friends in good time and they were soon riding down a country lane in bright sunshine. All the stresses and strains of school evaporated in the golden sunshine flashing in the boys faces, as rays broke through overhead branches and leaves. The boys came to a hill and pedalled as fast as they could, racing each other. Joel heard a shout from behind, but the wind was rushing past his ears and the sound was muffled. Another shout. Joel turned his head sideways to hear. At the bottom of the hill the road bent round to the right. When he looked forward again the bike hit the bank propelling Joel forward and over the handlebars. Joel's head hit a tree and he rolled back down the bank into the road.

The boys behind saw what had happened, their momentum carrying them past Joel until they skidded to a halt. As they ran back to their friend he started moving. Joel had only been unconscious a few seconds but something was very wrong. When he opened his eyes everything was upside down. As his friends approached Joel tried to stand up without success. He found himself rolling around in the road.
"Are you okay?" Xander asked with concern.
"NO! Go and get someone!" Joel replied harshly, knowing it was serious.
"Stop messing about" Ashley said accusingly.
"I'm NOT messing about. Get someone NOW!!"

The boys realised it wasn't a prank and raced off to the nearest house. Joel kept trying to stand up, unsuccessfully. Then he hit on an idea. He closed his eyes and stood up perfectly. When he opened them again he fell flat on his face. A man came and looked at Joel whose eyes were rolling about in his head. Instantly he knew something was seriously wrong.
"Keep him sitting up, I'll get my car" the man said and dashed off.

Joel was put in the car and driven to hospital. He remembered being put in a wheelchair outside the hospital but as the doors opened there was a blinding white flash, then it all went dark. Dying is a strange experience, almost euphoric in Joel's case. But he never had the problem of pain or trauma when he crossed that invisible threshold between worlds. It seemed the harder Joel hit his head the less it hurt. Joel just felt pleasantly dizzy when it all went black.
'Am I dead?' Joel wondered, quite untroubled by the thought.
"Quick, he's not breathing"
"Pulse?"

'I can't be dead yet I can still hear people' It didn't occur to Joel to try and open his eyes. He was aware of a pressure on his chest but couldn't feel it. A doctor was administering cpr.
'I'm not there anymore' Joel sang to himself silently, as if teasing the doctors.

There was a sudden surge and Joel was up in the corner of the room looking down on himself, his eyes now open. There was a flurry of activity around his body on the table. The fascination was brief as Joel became aware of changes. It was like he didn't have a body.
'Am I just a brain? I can feel my face, my cheeks and my smile... perhaps I'm just a face'

The door opened and without a thought he swished down from the ceiling and through the gap just before the door swung shut. The motion was swift and fluid, a curious white shadow followed like the tail of a comet. Through one door, then another, and another. The outside door opened and Joel was out of the hospital in a flash. Joel soared up to roof-top height and down the darkened street. It was night time and the street-lamps shone brightly just a few feet below him. Glaringly so. Recognising the street, Joel wanted to see his house.

Time seemed not to exist or he moved at incredible speed, the three mile journey from the hospital took just seconds. The house was in darkness and he hovered at his bedroom window height. Suddenly unsure, Joel hesitated. Something behind him attracted his attention. It wasn't a noise or a light, it was a sensory thing, an instinct. Joel turned as if looking back over his shoulder had he a body, and then in a swift blur of motion he was back in the hospital.
"He's back" a doctor declared triumphantly.
'That's odd' Joel thought as he looked down on himself again from the ceiling, Then it went black once more.

It felt no more than a blink but when Joel opened his eyes his father was sat next to the hospital bed looking relieved.
'That was one hell of a dream' Joel thought.

When Joel was told he was in a coma for three days and had actually died at one point, he began to wonder if indeed it was a dream. One thing about nearly dying is the change in attitude of a person. There is a tendency to live for the day. Death is no longer a concern, it holds no mystery any more. Joel saw the smile on his father's face but it didn't reach his eyes, he looked unshaven and haggard. Worry lines were etched all over the man's face.
"Is my bike okay?" Joel asked and for a split second thought his father about to explode.

It was many years later after the death of his father, Joel's mother told the story. Joel's father blamed himself for the accident. He mistakenly thought Joel's angry mood over his chores may have contributed to an error of judgement. He also cursed himself for buying the bicycle in the first place. It upset Joel to learn how for years his father lived with that guilt and it was all unnecessary. Joel's mood changed the instant the door was closed and behaved no differently than he would otherwise have done. As for the bike he would have borrowed one, or been sat on the handle bars of another. Joel would have gladly told his father the truth had he known how he felt.

The other boys had rushed home and told Joel's parents about the accident. They arrived at the hospital just in time to see Joel being rushed through the hospital on a bed. He was deathly white and motionless.
"Oh my God he's dead!" Joel's mother shrieked and promptly fainted.

Joel's father stayed by his bedside for three days and neither ate nor slept. It was at the point the doctors were getting concerned but only a fool argued with Joel's father in this mood. It was the only time Joel's mother ever saw his father cry.

There was a loud ringing in one of Joel's ears and it made hearing difficult. He didn't realise then it would be a permanent fixture. Everything was the right way up again and Joel thought he had only been asleep a few minutes.
"Where are my clothes?"

A doctor came before he had an answer and started checking the boy over. He started asking lots of questions but Joel just wanted to go and see if he had dented his brand new bike. He felt fine and sat up. The room started spinning and he flopped back again. Joel wasn't in pain but his muscles weren't responding how his brain was asking them to. The ears have a bearing on balance, and Joel's balance was shot. He was confined to bed because dizzy spells were frequent and prolonged. There was the odd habit of falling asleep as though someone had just flicked a switch. Joel could be standing up and fall asleep. It was dangerous when he then collapsed, another blow to the head could have been fatal.

After two weeks in hospital Joel was allowed home but still confined to bed. His friends had come to see him in hospital but would leave when he fell asleep in mid-sentence. When Joel was back at home the visits dwindled and he missed the whole summer holiday. To his friends it was as if Joel was still at boarding school. All Joel could see was his friends drifting further from him. At least he wouldn't have to go back to Forester yet. On the surface Joel was recovering quickly. He didn't fall asleep as much, and the dizzy spells were becoming less frequent and much shorter.

Joel's father went away to sea again and his mother was working the same long hours. He was no longer confined to bed but had to stay upstairs where the bathroom was. Stairs were out of the question. Joel used a Zimmer-frame to get to the toilet, his hands trembled like an old man. Joel didn't consider himself injured though. He was living the life of Riley. House to himself all day, television, snacks, and most important no Forester.

The no stairs rule went on the second day. Joel felt hungry and went downstairs on his backside as he did as a toddler. He crawled back up the stairs just before his mother was due home. And so it went on each day Joel was getting a little stronger. He may have been forgotten during the holidays but was soon remembered when the village boys went back to school. During the summer he couldn't do anything. Couldn't go to the woods, couldn't go scrumping apples, couldn't even play football. With the autumn / winter term beginning Mattie recognised a benefit.

Joel heard the knock at the door. He ignored it. He wasn't allowed downstairs and it wouldn't be one of his friends because it was school time. A relative would just go round to the back door which was rarely locked. The person knocked again but still Joel ignored it. Most people knocked twice in case the first wasn't heard. Another knock. Three was unusual. Joel decided to investigate. He shuffled down the stairs on his butt again and steadied himself against the walls as he went to the door.
"At last!" Mattie said and pushed past Joel "Thought you'd died.... again, ha ha"
"Why aren't you at school?" Joel asked closing the door.
"It's a rubbish day" Mattie replied screwing his nose up.

It struck Joel how he would have liked it to be so easy to bunk off school for a day at Forester. The walk had taken its toll on Joel and he steadied himself against the wall. Mattie noticed and grabbed his friend's elbow steadying him.
"Are you okay?"
"It'll pass in a minute" Joel assured Mattie.
"Good job I'm here" Mattie declared triumphantly.
"It wouldn't have happened if some idiot hadn't been banging on the door" Joel countered, trying to sound annoyed.
"Pfft, that's all the thanks I get"
"Make yourself useful and get my frame" Joel said pointing to the top of the stairs.
"Hah! That's what grannies have" Mattie said laughing as he fetched it.

The boys made their way into the front room and sat down.
"So why are you here?"
"Thought you'd be bored so I thought I've come to cheer you up" Mattie said brightly.
"Thought you'd come and skive school in comfort you mean" Joel snorted.
"That as well" Mattie laughed.

It was Mattie that made Joel realise for the first time the ringing in his ear may be a problem. Joel kept asking Mattie to repeat himself which began to become tedious after a while and it was infuriating when after the third time of asking Mattie would say 'Oh forget it'. Joel was still glad of the company. Mattie continued to come round once a week and Joel continued to improve.
"See you've got rid of the granny-frame" Mattie said when Joel answered the door holding a walking stick one day.

Joel nodded. He wasn't sure what Mattie had said having only heard the vowel sounds. Joel's mind tried filling in the blanks and guess the rest. It was something he would have to learn quickly or keep asking people to repeat themselves. The boys sat around and watch videos all day. Mattie was good company but he mumbled when he spoke and Joel found it hard work deciphering what was said. One day Joel felt the urge to go to the toilet during a good part in the film the boys were watching. He waited a little too long and rushed to the stairs. The swift motion made Joel's head spin and he collapsed to his knees at the foot of the stairs.

Mattie rushed over. He put one of Joel's arms across his shoulders and helped the boy upstairs. Joel had always admired Mattie because of his practicality. His no-nonsense manner reminded Joel a little of Willy at school, but at least Mattie knew how to have fun. The boys became closer in those months during Joel's recuperation. It was to make future events even harder to bear.

The fun couldn't last. A letter from school bore disturbing news. If Joel didn't return after half-term he would have to stay down a year. The consequences would be unbearable. It felt like Joel had made being a misfit an art form. Joel lied about his rate of recovery to ensure he could go back to school after the short half-term break. Keeping his dizzy spells a secret Joel was eventually allowed out of the house and went to watch his friends playing football. Joel sat by the goal post and cheered the boys on, or gave derisory hoots if someone messed up. One errant shot nearly hit Joel.
"Hey! Watch out for the cripple" Ashley shouted.
"You mean the deaf old codger with the walking stick" Xander said and everyone laughed.

Joel laughed with them. They were his friends and he knew they didn't mean anything by it. All the deaf jokes started being told and the boys would mock Joel's requests for someone to repeat themselves. Why do words from friends sound funny yet the same words became malicious when delivered by others? Or perhaps it is just the frequency with which they are used. Joel didn't realise then how those same words would soon cut like a knife.

As it neared time to go back to school Joel began to worry. He would be vulnerable. It was doubtful Harris or Buster would respect his disability and he wouldn't be able to fight back. Joel's father came home on leave in time to take him back to school. Driving into the school car park the clapped out old car drew immediate attention, and everybody watched as Joel emerged from the passenger side.

Some snide comments were made but Joel's impaired hearing saved him the humiliation. Dinosaur greeted the boy and his father. Getting a brief run-down on what had happened Dinosaur told a prole to go and get Kramer. Joel waved his father off, thankful when the old car disappeared out of sight.
"Yes sir?" Kramer asked and glanced at Joel.
"You and Phillips seemed.... friendly, last term, so I am leaving it up to you to look after him" Dinosaur stated rather than asked.
"Sir?" Kramer was puzzled.

Dinosaur went on to explain Joel's disability and his tendency to lose his balance, telling Kramer to be extra careful on stairs. Joel looked a bit sheepish propping himself up with a walking stick but Kramer smiled.
"Yes Sir!"

As soon as Dinosaur was out of earshot the taunts began. Many of the boys had heard Dinosaur's instruction to Kramer.
"What do you call a poor, deaf, unbalanced cripple? Phillips!" one boy said and everyone laughed.
"Shut up you lot!" Kramer barked but the taunts continued albeit at a lower volume.

Kramer was hardly imposing, but it was known those who crossed him frequently came to a sticky end. For all Kramer's influence he couldn't stop the snide comments and deaf cripple jibes. The primeval instincts of the boys sensed a weakness and even usually timid boys joined in with the caustic comments and abuse. With his disability Joel was a sitting duck and it was open season. He began to rely heavily on Kramer who warmed to the task.

The endless barrage of 'jokes' and insults wore Joel down and he eventually cracked. Joel swung his walking stick at one tormentor. He missed and toppled over, head spinning. Several boys stood over him, calling Joel names and one spat on him. Kramer came to his rescue and had to help Joel to the boarding house.
"Shall I get matron?" Willy asked as Kramer helped Joel onto his bed.
"NO! It will pass" Joel snapped, not wanting to alert anyone to a possible relapse and the prospects of more time off school.

The threat of the additional year was a very real possibility Joel didn't want to consider. Kramer became Joel's shadow. Joel began to think of Kramer as a best friend and confidante, but sometimes he found Kramer hard to gauge.
"What were the nurses like in hospital?" Kramer asked when the boys were alone.
"Jeez, is that all you think of!" Joel exclaimed in mock exasperation.

Kramer paused a few a moments.
"Pretty much" he answered and both boys laughed.

ADC.11

11. Fight Club

'It is easy to be drawn into a constant battle when feeling a sense of injustice, but at what cost. Conflict does nobody any favours and there are no winners' - jp

As the term wore on Joel struggled to catch up. Most of the teachers knew of Joel's accident but none had been told of his restricted hearing apart from Dinosaur. It wouldn't have been a problem as Joel usually sat at the front of the class, but his insecurity and reliance on Kramer since the accident meant he sat at the back with his ally. Missing half a term was a handicap in itself but an inability to hear the teacher compounded the issue and sitting at the back of the class did nothing to help. Joel was becoming more and more morose and hostile towards his peers. Kramer couldn't be with him every waking moment and when alone the sharks would circle.

Near the end of term Joel joined in with an illicit game of football but lasted only minutes before having to sit down. In an uncustomary moment of weakness tears of frustration ran down Joel's cheeks as he sat with his head in his hands. Kramer wasn't there but Richards rushed over and put an arm on Joel's shoulder.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Go away, leave me alone!" Joel said curtly and Richards took a step back.

Joel's mind was in turmoil. All he did was drive people away, he didn't want them near him. Never at any point did Joel think about suicide but many times he wished he had never woken up from his accident. This was the first. Did other boys think about death? The thoughts were disturbing but they weren't real, all Joel wanted was a comforting word or a shoulder to cry on, but on the odd occasion when one was available like now, he would shun the person, embarrassed by his weakness and disability. Only his friendship with Kramer kept Joel from going insane.

Joel missed playing rugby. He wasn't allowed to play again until after Christmas but still had to spectate even though he couldn't take part. After the game, Joel would wait for Kramer to take his shower and walk back with him to the boarding house. Joel was the butt of many jokes. For the whole second half of the term Joel had little choice but to put up with the teasing. It wasn't something he would forgive or forget and Joel may have remained quiet but he was making mental notes.

Deeper and deeper Joel sank back into his shell, looking out at the world with hate-filled eyes. Teachers didn't understand why he had dropped into the bottom three in every subject. Didn't want to understand, didn't care. There was a fury building inside and no release valve. He couldn't even play rugby to get rid of the pent up frustration. Joel hated the weakness and now he was going into self-destruct. Pushing away people that cared and keeping silent about the headaches, dizzy spells, and unheard conversations. To cover up his disability Joel began guessing what people had said, just so they wouldn't have to get irritated by having to repeat themselves.

Self-imposed isolation was the only effective way Joel could find to deal with it. Solitude was a haven but the rage inside continued to grow. One that as yet he could not vent. Only Kramer was allowed inside the wall Joel had built around himself. Perhaps Joel was expecting too much of the boy, expectations Kramer could never live up to.
"You can come and stay with me at Christmas" Kramer offered.
"I'll have to ask my parents" Joel said thinking it a great idea.

The answer wasn't what Joel wanted. His aunt, uncle, and cousins were coming to stay so Joel wasn't allowed to go, although it was suggested Kramer could perhaps stay over during Easter week. It was scant consolation but Kramer was enthusiastic. In the future Joel would look back on events apportioning blame, but wasn't he guilty of selfish manipulation. Joel needed Kramer.

Kramer was one of the most popular boys in his year, Joel was an anathema. Staying with Kramer over Christmas would have been sure to cement their friendship. Joel was a different boy away from Forester. Kramer's friendship would make Joel's life at school so much easier, he was already seeing the benefits even though Kramer was only a nominated 'carer' of sorts. Now Joel's parents had taken away the opportunity. Christmas was one of the worst ever. Even family gave up trying to be nice to Joel, when constantly met with a surly wall of silence.
"I'll be glad when he goes back to school" his mother told his father one day near the end of the holidays.

Even with impaired hearing Joel had heard that alright! He had learnt to turn his head sideways to people, pointing his good ear to them, but the ringing in the other ear jumbled and confused words. Joel could hear high-pitched, or vowel sounds, but consonants were lost forever. Need, seed, feed, weed, deed, freed, they all sounded the same to the boy.

Stupidly, Joel wanted to go back to school having forgotten how bad it was getting. He wanted to see Kramer again. For all that was to come and whatever his character flaws, Joel owed Kramer a debt of gratitude for preserving his sanity, borderline though it be. He declined his father's offer of a lift to school in the beat up old Ford Anglia. Most boys had forgotten about the car and Joel didn't want them reminded.

After dumping his suitcase, Joel went to the common room. The hare and hounds chase was being organised. It was tradition at the start of every term, but winter was particularly hated, the weather was almost always bad. It was one thing getting wet and muddy in spring or autumn, but in the cold of winter it was no joke. Joel saw Kramer who winked and waved him over.
"Stick with us on the hare and hounds" he said softly.

He was with Carrots and two other boys, Davis and Bryant. As the boys went to get their whites on, Kramer grabbed Joel's arm and whispered:
"Bryant lifted a bottle of his father's best wine"

The hares were given their traditional fifteen minute start and the hounds took off after them, one shady looking bunch hanging back as the pursuit began. Just inside the wooded area the boys looked for a dry spot. It wasn't raining but the ground was soaked from downpours on the previous couple of days. Bryant produced the bottle and Kramer took out his secreted corkscrew. The boys went swig for swig, except Carrots who declined. It didn't take long for the bottle to empty and Joel felt quite light-headed. The wine seemed to have no effect on Bryant, but Kramer was giggling and being silly. Suddenly a voice disturbed the boys.
"What have we here then?" it was Harris and he sounded smug but his two cronies looked nervous.

The younger boys outnumbered them five to three and Carrots was the biggest of all of all the boys. Joel looked daggers at the bullies. He swore at them belligerently.
"Tsk tsk, profanity; will you never learn?" Harris asked cockily.
"It's you who needs a lesson" Joel said moving forward.

He had endured half a term of derision with his disability but now Joel was deemed out of danger with his head injuries. Right from the off this term Joel decided he wasn't going to put up with the verbal abuse, from anyone. He sensed more than saw Carrots and Bryant standing behind him. Harris glanced back at Stone and Tyrell. For the first time he realised they were scared and he was suddenly on edge himself. Trying to sound confident, he warned:
"I will let it go this time"
"I won't" Joel said sensing the fear, his wine muscles had kicked in.

Months of frustration at having to take all the ridicule and insults sought and found an outlet. For the first time he could openly confront Harris without having to worry about Tyrell and Stone. Joel lashed out with a fist catching Harris in the mouth. Carrots, Bryant, Davis, and Kramer started towards the other bullies who turned and ran. Harris was sat on his backside holding his bleeding lip.
"You will pay for that, you oik" he said arrogantly, his anger temporarily overcoming his fear.

Kramer put his face close to Harris and growled:
"No Harris, you will. It's payback time"

Kramer had taken over and Joel was happy to let him, but had no idea what the boy had in mind. He ordered Bryant and Carrots to get hold of Harris by the arms. Harris struggled and Joel thumped him in the stomach. It felt really good knowing Harris was feeling how he had made others feel. Harris started to plead with his tormentors, even offering money to be left alone. Joel felt ashamed for his desire to hurt the cringing bully. He almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

The noise of the hounds was off in the distance and they were headed towards the boys. Quickly they left the whimpering Harris and ducked into the trees off to one side. Harris ran off back towards the Gatehouse. The boys hid the bottle and walked around the woods smoking cigarettes to kill some more time before heading back to the Lodge. They went to dinner in good spirits. Harris wouldn't try anything now his cronies had been shown to be cowards. They had always picked on easy targets but as with most bullies, they would keep away from those who could fight back. At least that was what Joel thought.

* * * * *

For the first couple of weeks Joel was an absolute nightmare. All the jibes and cutting comments from the previous term had been stored inside his head. Several fights, and subsequent canings later, Joel's peers realised the free ride on the insults train was over. The jibes dried up from most quarters. As he was no longer seeing the doctor once a week, Joel was allowed to take part in sports again, although rugby might have been frowned upon had he told the doctor. Contact sports were off the menu, but Joel never told the teachers either. Rugby was just the best game ever. It was the second half of the rugby season and Joel's year were coached by Sprotty now. He was a lot better because he didn't pick favourites like Dinosaur. Joel was soon back at hooker and Kramer at scrum half.

Dinosaur had played both boys in the wrong positions but Sprotty recognised their potential. With Kramer feeding the ball in to Joel the boys developed a strong understanding which spilled over from the pitch. In the first game back, the boys were to play at home against the grammar school from the next town. It was Joel's first game for the under-14's and the game was relatively easy for the Forester boys who won convincingly.

After the game a buffet was laid on for the teams in the dining hall and speeches were given. The speeches congratulated, or commiserated with opponents and each school presented a small silver cup to their player of the day. Most of the press-ganged supporters watched the First XV but sometimes it was the younger teams in the spotlight. With some of the 'characters' in Joel's year there was the potential for such a team. Joel missed the first term under Sprotty and Forester lost their first game against Saint's College the team Forester usually vied with for second place. The military school Rangers almost always won the inter-school league.

A disappointing draw against one of the weaker schools followed before Forester started winning. This current victory was the best so far and Joel played a big part in it even though it was Robson the winger who was nominated player of the day. Sprotty was pleased, the grammar school they played were capable of giving anyone a good match.

Joel was enjoying the mandatory SCF training, putting in the best time for his year on the assault course. He used swing about in trees with the village boys, the assault course came easy to him. Drill was regarded a pain, and extra drill served as a punishment. With Kramer's penchant for mischief, the boys found themselves on the parade ground more than most. By far the best part for most boys was the rifle range where they were taught to shoot .303 Enfield's. The boys learnt how to break down a Bren gun and reassemble it. It was the stuff of schoolboy dreams.

Joel's school-work improved slowly where he took an interest, and his friendship with Kramer grew. The boys became inseparable and Kramer began to neglect others. He was becoming isolated just like Joel. It didn't go unnoticed. Joel had become a little less volatile but was still prone to mood swings which could turn violent. He was more explosive in some ways. Joel still didn't fit in but he stood out less and he ruthlessly protected his current status.

Mr. Barlow took physics but was also the highest ranking officer in the SCF. He hated Joel with a vengeance and the feeling was mutual. Unfortunately for Joel, all the other boys were aware of it and saw the situation as an opportunity to taunt both pupil and teacher. They would irritate and annoy Joel who would become increasingly agitated. Barlow would notice and it was always Joel who was blamed. Joel had been hit by all manner of flying objects, this time it was a crisp lump of white chalk that bounced off his head. Buster who was sat behind Joel had been kicking his chair and as soon as Joel turned round Barlow struck.
"PAY ATTENTION BOY!" the teacher bellowed and Buster sniggered.

The velocity of the chalk made it shatter, but it still hurt. Joel rubbed his head and gave the teacher a filthy look. Barlow's eyes met Joel's. The boy held the teacher's gaze, with the look of pure hatred he had perfected. Joel was capable of curdling milk with a look. His eyes seemed to darken in anger and one boy said he looked evil. Barlow blinked.
"What was I saying?" he demanded and Joel shrugged sulkily.

Since the accident Joel heard very little Barlow said, the words muffled by the ringing in his injured ear.
"I don't know" Joel admitted.
"I don't know, SIR!" Barlow corrected.
"That's two of us then" Joel said with a glint in his eye.
"Out. OUT! Go and stand outside the Headmaster's study and when he sees you, you can explain why you are there!"

Joel looked quizzical. He knew exactly why, but thought he could still raise Barlow's blood pressure a little more.
"I don't know.... Sir" Joel said finally then added "I could probably guess, I mean when one fails to achieve their goals, one has this terrible sense of failure and self-loathing. By transferring the inner hatred, outward, a temporary respite occurs" he philosophised in his best upper class accent.

It took a few seconds for what he had said to sink in, then Barlow's face began to glow. 'Time to leave' Joel thought and headed for the door.
"INSOLENCE BOY, INSOLENCE" Barlow boomed amid the erupting laughter.

Barlow had been passed over for the position of assistant head some years previously and everyone knew his resentment. The primal instincts of the boys were in full swing and they sought weakness. Oddly enough it was generally the teachers who tried to be nice and see some good in the boys, who fell prey to the rabid wolf cubs. Herrn didn't fall into that category. He was certainly the most laid back teacher, but the boys knew not to mess with him. Joel hadn't started learning German yet but it was inevitable his path would cross with that of Herrn.

Stood outside the Headmaster's study, Joel anxiously looked at the clock on the wall in the corridor. The second hand seemed to tick so slowly. Minute after minute passed as Joel awaited the study door opening and discovery. If he could get through until the bell rang, he would have to go to his next lesson and would escape punishment. Joel always received six strokes from the Headmaster. Generally the boys received either four or six strokes of the cane, but regular visitors like Joel were guaranteed the maximum.

Three more minutes. One hundred and eighty seconds. Joel started counting back as his eyes followed the path of the second hand. He was down to seventy-three when the Head's secretary walked past Joel with barely a glance and knocked on the study door. 'Damn, now the Headmaster will be informed a miscreant is in need of attention'.
"Enter!" came the voice from inside the study and the secretary went in, closing the door behind her.

Joel's eyes went back to the clock. Now the race against time was entering the final crucial climax. 'Come on, come on, come onnnnn' Joel thought urging the clock to tick faster and the bell to sound.

The study door opened again.
"....and send that boy in" the Headmaster ordered and Joel's heart sank.

The bell chose that moment to ring, almost as if to mock the boy. Joel went into the study and the Headmaster who was reading a document, looked up through his eyebrows at the boy.
"I might have guessed" the Headmaster sighed "Who, what, why?"
"Mr.Barlow, insolence, not listening" Joel reeled off.
"I meant why did you do it?"
"I don't know.... Sir" Joel answered with a deliberate pause.

The Headmaster wouldn't recognise the significance of the pause right then but no doubt he would later, after speaking to Barlow. It would be too late then, he wouldn't get another six.
"Why are you smirking boy? I can understand Mr.Barlow's frustration" the Headmaster admonished as he strode purposefully to the rack full of canes on the wall.
"Bend over" he said selecting one and Joel assumed the position.

The audible swish of the cane was quickly followed by a sharp stinging sensation on the buttocks. Joel was glad the Headmaster had a slow rhythm. It allowed the boy to move very slightly, thus changing the point of impact. There was nothing worse than getting hit in the same place. The punishment was over quite quickly, resisting the urge to rub his wounded area Joel offered his hand to the Headmaster who shook it. The Headmaster thought - quite correctly - Joel did it as an act of defiance. Now he had doubts, it seemed to come naturally.
"Thank you.... Sir" Joel said once again adding the pause.
"Get to your class" the Headmaster said softly and shook his head sadly as the boy left the study.

Joel went to his next classroom, knocked on the door and entered.
"What kept you master Phillips?" the maths teacher enquired.
"He was getting beaten for insolence Sir" Buster crowed and the other boys laughed.
"Silence!" the teacher snapped.
"Pretty much what he said Sir" Joel answered when the laughter died down.
"Sit down.... as gingerly as you like" the teacher quipped and laughter broke out again.

Joel deliberately sat back in his chair hard, his face expressionless. His backside hurt but only he would ever know that.

* * * * *

Forester Grammar were flying in the inter-schools rugby championship in all but the first and second years. Joel's year were winning consistently now. With Joel back at hooker and the almost telepathic understanding he had with Kramer made the Forester scrum formidable. Add to that Carrots and Buster for sheer bulk and there were very few teams to touch them.

There was an added bite to the next game for Joel, it was against the local Comprehensive school. Joel thought of the boys in the park. It was time for retribution. During the game Joel deployed some tactics which could only be described as 'ungentlemanly', and when Kramer saw what was going on, he too began using underhanded tactics. Buster was a little slower to catch on and a lot less subtle when he did. Joel tried to make crunching tackles look accidental, a result of over-enthusiasm. It was in the rucks and mauls where the real damage was done. Any exposed vital areas during a loose maul would be hit, bitten, or trodden on, after a quick glance at the referee's whereabouts.

The end product was the Comprehensive boys, who clearly hadn't been subjected to such tactics before, suddenly had a loathing for the ball, and their haste to get rid of it made Forester look good. Forester hammered the Comprehensive school out of sight.

Rugby aside, it is difficult to take too many positives from Joel's life since going to Forester. The highs were few and far between but the lows just kept coming. Every day was a mental battle of wits with peers and teachers alike. His growing friendship with Kramer had saved some abuse but some boys just couldn't help themselves when it came to mocking a disability. The inability to hear made it difficult to know if someone was laughing at Joel or at something else. Eye contact was Joel's measure but it didn't always work. On average he had been fighting twice a week before the current lull, and consequently getting caned a similar number of times.

With Joel trouble was never far away and it had been too quiet, too long. It was then Joel saw two boys whom he suspected had been talking behind his back. They had made comments when he was incapacitated and Joel hadn't forgotten it. As Joel walked past the boys they laughed. Almost in reflex Joel swung a fist at the nearest, hitting the boy on the cheekbone. He fell over and Joel grabbed the other boy in a headlock, swinging him round. He tripped over the first boy on the ground and fell on top of him.
"Think it's funny?" Joel raged at the boys.
"We didn't do anything!" one protested.
"Bastards!" Joel kicked out.

The red mist descended. It was the same red mist that saw Harris in sick bay. In all the altercations Joel had, this was only the second time he lost control. Joel lashed out punching and kicking the two boys who covered themselves with their arms. A passing prefect put his hand on Joel's shoulder. He turned and swung blindly catching the prefect square on the chin and the older boy went down as if pole-axed. The mist evaporated as though a hypnotist had snapped his fingers bringing Joel out of a trance. He spotted Herrn approaching.
"Phillips! Gymnasium after school in your PE kit"

Joel spent the rest of the day wondering what Herrn had in store for him. At least Herrn was dealing with it and there wouldn't be the chance of another letter home. Whatever Herrn had in mind couldn't be worse than his father's belt. Word had gone round and the other boys were equally intrigued to find out what Herrn would do. Joel didn't care what the punishment would be, it was far better than facing his father and a pile of letters when he went home at the holidays. One of the boys Joel hit approached him before the last lesson. With a worried look on his face, he said:
"We weren't laughing at you Phillips, honest"
"Maybe not then, but you did last term!"

The boy looked shame-faced down at his shoes.
"I'm sorry"
"Forget it" Joel said suddenly feeling guilty he'd hit the boy.

The last lesson Joel didn't concentrate at all. Thoughts of what Herrn was going to do flitted across his mind, but generally he was thinking of his behaviour and temper. 'What was wrong with me?' he thought for the umpteenth time as his eyes glazed and he fought hard not to let the tears emerge. The bell brought Joel out of his 'day-mare' and he went to get changed. Kramer came in.
"What is Herrn going to do?"
"How the hell do I know" answered with irritation, worry made Joel snappy.

Joel went to the gym and saw a lot of boys lining the windows outside. Whatever Herrn had in mind it was going to be very public. Herrn was in the gym in his shirt sleeves, a cigarette in his mouth. At his feet was two pairs of boxing gloves, a tennis racket, and a stack of tennis balls. Joel was confused and more than a little worried. Herrn put the cigarette out and threw Joel a pair of gloves.
"Put them on" he said, putting the other pair on himself.

With a frown Joel obeyed.
"Why were you fighting this time?"
"I thought they were laughing at me because I'm deaf, Sir"
"Okay, you think you are tough, now you can show me. Hit me"
"I don't want to, Sir"
"Didn't you hear me, DEAF BOY? Hit me!"
"Please Sir, I don't want to"
"Little DEAF BOY lost his balls, has he?" Joel wasn't biting, he knew exactly what Herrn was doing.

Herrn didn't give up and for a full five minutes he taunted and ridiculed the boy. Making a decision Joel thought he would launch himself at the teacher and catch him off guard. As Herrn started to speak again Joel threw himself at the teacher arms flailing everywhere. Herrn was ready for the boy. Vaguely aware of, and encouraged by a cheer from the watching boys outside, Joel launched attack after attack on Herrn. Herrn fended the boy off easily and then lashed out.

It was just one hit in the solar plexus and Joel found himself careening backwards, the wind taken out of his sails. He sat back on the floor hard. It felt like he'd been kicked by a mule. Joel just sat there trying to get his breath back and watched Herrn take his gloves off.
"Gloves off, and give me twenty circuits"

Circuits were easy, Joel didn't mind running laps of the gym at all. He took the gloves off and began to trot round slowly. Herrn picked up the tennis racket and a couple of balls. He hit one at Joel, stinging the top of his leg.
"Faster, unless you want to make it easy for me"

Another direct hit on the shoulder encouraged Joel, and he ran faster. Each time Joel slowed down he would get another direct hit and cursed silently. He couldn't help but admire the teacher's accuracy. The boys peering through the windows let out a cheer on each hit. When it was over Joel was bruised and sweating.
"Get yourself showered" Herrn said softly and lit another cigarette as he left the gym.

Joel laughed. He really liked Herrn, or maybe it was respect. Liking a teacher wasn't done, they are the enemy!

* * * * *

The penultimate game of the rugby season was against arch rivals Rangers. Rangers had already won the league and had yet to lose but Forester were on a roll. The emphasis would be on the forwards to do the work, it was the only area Forester had an edge. The preparation was good but Rangers had a right winger who outpaced the Forester defence every time. By half time Rangers led and Sprotty called the boys into a huddle.
"You have to stop their winger. Get tight on him!"

The second half began and Rangers immediately fed the ball out to the nippy winger. His pace was electric and he ran in another try. Forester pulled back almost immediately with a penalty, then for some time after the two teams were locked in stalemate. Joel was determined to do something about the winger and stayed close. When he eventually received the ball it was a 'hospital pass'. He had barely caught the ball when Joel piled into him at full tilt. The boy was knocked off the field and sent sprawling into a line of boys who were watching the game. The winger was shaken but continued. This signalled the onset of some heavy tackles and the game became spiteful.

Rangers may have been better ball players but when it came to rucking there wasn’t a school to match Forester and they began to eat into the deficit. The next time the winger received the ball he knew what to expect and jinked past Joel. Incensed he gave chase. The winger had the acceleration but once Joel had a head of steam he started catching up fast. The nervous winger kept glancing over his shoulder as Joel thundered after him. It was as the winger glanced back one more time that Kramer body-checked him. The winger bounced back off Kramer just as Joel thundered into the back of him. The referee blew his whistle angrily and the Rangers coach came on to assess the damage to his star player. The boy couldn’t continue and was replaced by a boy that looked bigger - and older - than all but the referee.
"I think you broke him" Buster said laughing and further enraged their opponents.

Joel was earmarked for special attention and found himself getting hit hard with some crunching tackles. As Forester pushed for the try which would level up the game a loose maul developed and the Rangers substitute found himself with his head poking out of the Forester end of the ruck. Only minutes early the boy had hurt Joel who now saw a chance of revenge. Oblivious to the referee right behind him, Joel kneed the big substitute in the head and as the maul broke up he fell to the floor.

One of the Rangers players swung a fist at Joel but missed and was kicked between the legs for his pains. The boy doubled over and all hell broke loose as both teams squared up to each other. It took several teachers to break up the mass brawl that ensued. When the dust had settled Joel was sent off.
Forester lost the game and Joel was deemed to have disgraced the school. He was the first pupil in the history of the school to be sent off a field of play. On Monday morning as the boys gathered in the hall, Joel saw the cane on top of the Headmaster's desk. The sending off was to cost him his second public flogging, he would be the first boy since Keats to get more than one. After the singing of Jerusalem the Headmaster addressed the assembly.
"The good name of the school has been sullied. Never before has such disgraceful behaviour been observed on a sports field by a Forester boy"

The Headmaster paused briefly and was staring right at Joel when he carried on with his speech.
"Even though one individual – the main protagonist – was sent from the field of play, it was evident that others allowed their discipline to slip and joined the melee. This type of behaviour will not be tolerated. Phillips! Come here!"

Joel had been expecting it and he made his way to the stage. The Headmaster didn’t have to tell him this time, Joel rested his upper body across the desk as he had before. Joel offered his customary handshake when the caning was over but the Headmaster would never publicly accept the hand. The small act of defiance divided opinion about the boy. To some teachers Joel was an insolent trouble-maker, but to one or two they saw a quality in the boy. He had spirit which should be harnessed, not have it beaten out of him. It was for those teachers Joel did well.