11. Fight Club
'It is easy to be drawn into a constant battle when feeling a sense of injustice, but at what cost. Conflict does nobody any favours and there are no winners' - jp
Near the end of term Joel joined in with an illicit game of football but lasted only minutes before having to sit down. In an uncustomary moment of weakness tears of frustration ran down Joel's cheeks as he sat with his head in his hands. Kramer wasn't there but Richards rushed over and put an arm on Joel's shoulder.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Go away, leave me alone!" Joel said curtly and Richards took a step back.
Joel's mind was in turmoil. All he did was drive people away, he didn't want them near him. Never at any point did Joel think about suicide but many times he wished he had never woken up from his accident. This was the first. Did other boys think about death? The thoughts were disturbing but they weren't real, all Joel wanted was a comforting word or a shoulder to cry on, but on the odd occasion when one was available like now, he would shun the person, embarrassed by his weakness and disability. Only his friendship with Kramer kept Joel from going insane.
Joel missed playing rugby. He wasn't allowed to play again until after Christmas but still had to spectate even though he couldn't take part. After the game, Joel would wait for Kramer to take his shower and walk back with him to the boarding house. Joel was the butt of many jokes. For the whole second half of the term Joel had little choice but to put up with the teasing. It wasn't something he would forgive or forget and Joel may have remained quiet but he was making mental notes.
Deeper and deeper Joel sank back into his shell, looking out at the world with hate-filled eyes. Teachers didn't understand why he had dropped into the bottom three in every subject. Didn't want to understand, didn't care. There was a fury building inside and no release valve. He couldn't even play rugby to get rid of the pent up frustration. Joel hated the weakness and now he was going into self-destruct. Pushing away people that cared and keeping silent about the headaches, dizzy spells, and unheard conversations. To cover up his disability Joel began guessing what people had said, just so they wouldn't have to get irritated by having to repeat themselves.
Self-imposed isolation was the only effective way Joel could find to deal with it. Solitude was a haven but the rage inside continued to grow. One that as yet he could not vent. Only Kramer was allowed inside the wall Joel had built around himself. Perhaps Joel was expecting too much of the boy, expectations Kramer could never live up to.
"You can come and stay with me at Christmas" Kramer offered.
"I'll have to ask my parents" Joel said thinking it a great idea.
The answer wasn't what Joel wanted. His aunt, uncle, and cousins were coming to stay so Joel wasn't allowed to go, although it was suggested Kramer could perhaps stay over during Easter week. It was scant consolation but Kramer was enthusiastic. In the future Joel would look back on events apportioning blame, but wasn't he guilty of selfish manipulation. Joel needed Kramer.
Kramer was one of the most popular boys in his year, Joel was an anathema. Staying with Kramer over Christmas would have been sure to cement their friendship. Joel was a different boy away from Forester. Kramer's friendship would make Joel's life at school so much easier, he was already seeing the benefits even though Kramer was only a nominated 'carer' of sorts. Now Joel's parents had taken away the opportunity. Christmas was one of the worst ever. Even family gave up trying to be nice to Joel, when constantly met with a surly wall of silence.
"I'll be glad when he goes back to school" his mother told his father one day near the end of the holidays.
Even with impaired hearing Joel had heard that alright! He had learnt to turn his head sideways to people, pointing his good ear to them, but the ringing in the other ear jumbled and confused words. Joel could hear high-pitched, or vowel sounds, but consonants were lost forever. Need, seed, feed, weed, deed, freed, they all sounded the same to the boy.
Stupidly, Joel wanted to go back to school having forgotten how bad it was getting. He wanted to see Kramer again. For all that was to come and whatever his character flaws, Joel owed Kramer a debt of gratitude for preserving his sanity, borderline though it be. He declined his father's offer of a lift to school in the beat up old Ford Anglia. Most boys had forgotten about the car and Joel didn't want them reminded.
After dumping his suitcase, Joel went to the common room. The hare and hounds chase was being organised. It was tradition at the start of every term, but winter was particularly hated, the weather was almost always bad. It was one thing getting wet and muddy in spring or autumn, but in the cold of winter it was no joke. Joel saw Kramer who winked and waved him over.
"Stick with us on the hare and hounds" he said softly.
He was with Carrots and two other boys, Davis and Bryant. As the boys went to get their whites on, Kramer grabbed Joel's arm and whispered:
"Bryant lifted a bottle of his father's best wine"
The hares were given their traditional fifteen minute start and the hounds took off after them, one shady looking bunch hanging back as the pursuit began. Just inside the wooded area the boys looked for a dry spot. It wasn't raining but the ground was soaked from downpours on the previous couple of days. Bryant produced the bottle and Kramer took out his secreted corkscrew. The boys went swig for swig, except Carrots who declined. It didn't take long for the bottle to empty and Joel felt quite light-headed. The wine seemed to have no effect on Bryant, but Kramer was giggling and being silly. Suddenly a voice disturbed the boys.
"What have we here then?" it was Harris and he sounded smug but his two cronies looked nervous.
The younger boys outnumbered them five to three and Carrots was the biggest of all of all the boys. Joel looked daggers at the bullies. He swore at them belligerently.
"Tsk tsk, profanity; will you never learn?" Harris asked cockily.
"It's you who needs a lesson" Joel said moving forward.
He had endured half a term of derision with his disability but now Joel was deemed out of danger with his head injuries. Right from the off this term Joel decided he wasn't going to put up with the verbal abuse, from anyone. He sensed more than saw Carrots and Bryant standing behind him. Harris glanced back at Stone and Tyrell. For the first time he realised they were scared and he was suddenly on edge himself. Trying to sound confident, he warned:
"I will let it go this time"
"I won't" Joel said sensing the fear, his wine muscles had kicked in.
Months of frustration at having to take all the ridicule and insults sought and found an outlet. For the first time he could openly confront Harris without having to worry about Tyrell and Stone. Joel lashed out with a fist catching Harris in the mouth. Carrots, Bryant, Davis, and Kramer started towards the other bullies who turned and ran. Harris was sat on his backside holding his bleeding lip.
"You will pay for that, you oik" he said arrogantly, his anger temporarily overcoming his fear.
Kramer put his face close to Harris and growled:
"No Harris, you will. It's payback time"
Kramer had taken over and Joel was happy to let him, but had no idea what the boy had in mind. He ordered Bryant and Carrots to get hold of Harris by the arms. Harris struggled and Joel thumped him in the stomach. It felt really good knowing Harris was feeling how he had made others feel. Harris started to plead with his tormentors, even offering money to be left alone. Joel felt ashamed for his desire to hurt the cringing bully. He almost felt sorry for him. Almost.
The noise of the hounds was off in the distance and they were headed towards the boys. Quickly they left the whimpering Harris and ducked into the trees off to one side. Harris ran off back towards the Gatehouse. The boys hid the bottle and walked around the woods smoking cigarettes to kill some more time before heading back to the Lodge. They went to dinner in good spirits. Harris wouldn't try anything now his cronies had been shown to be cowards. They had always picked on easy targets but as with most bullies, they would keep away from those who could fight back. At least that was what Joel thought.
* * * * *
For the first couple of weeks Joel was an absolute nightmare. All the jibes and cutting comments from the previous term had been stored inside his head. Several fights, and subsequent canings later, Joel's peers realised the free ride on the insults train was over. The jibes dried up from most quarters. As he was no longer seeing the doctor once a week, Joel was allowed to take part in sports again, although rugby might have been frowned upon had he told the doctor. Contact sports were off the menu, but Joel never told the teachers either. Rugby was just the best game ever. It was the second half of the rugby season and Joel's year were coached by Sprotty now. He was a lot better because he didn't pick favourites like Dinosaur. Joel was soon back at hooker and Kramer at scrum half.
Dinosaur had played both boys in the wrong positions but Sprotty recognised their potential. With Kramer feeding the ball in to Joel the boys developed a strong understanding which spilled over from the pitch. In the first game back, the boys were to play at home against the grammar school from the next town. It was Joel's first game for the under-14's and the game was relatively easy for the Forester boys who won convincingly.
After the game a buffet was laid on for the teams in the dining hall and speeches were given. The speeches congratulated, or commiserated with opponents and each school presented a small silver cup to their player of the day. Most of the press-ganged supporters watched the First XV but sometimes it was the younger teams in the spotlight. With some of the 'characters' in Joel's year there was the potential for such a team. Joel missed the first term under Sprotty and Forester lost their first game against Saint's College the team Forester usually vied with for second place. The military school Rangers almost always won the inter-school league.
A disappointing draw against one of the weaker schools followed before Forester started winning. This current victory was the best so far and Joel played a big part in it even though it was Robson the winger who was nominated player of the day. Sprotty was pleased, the grammar school they played were capable of giving anyone a good match.
Joel was enjoying the mandatory SCF training, putting in the best time for his year on the assault course. He used swing about in trees with the village boys, the assault course came easy to him. Drill was regarded a pain, and extra drill served as a punishment. With Kramer's penchant for mischief, the boys found themselves on the parade ground more than most. By far the best part for most boys was the rifle range where they were taught to shoot .303 Enfield's. The boys learnt how to break down a Bren gun and reassemble it. It was the stuff of schoolboy dreams.
Joel's school-work improved slowly where he took an interest, and his friendship with Kramer grew. The boys became inseparable and Kramer began to neglect others. He was becoming isolated just like Joel. It didn't go unnoticed. Joel had become a little less volatile but was still prone to mood swings which could turn violent. He was more explosive in some ways. Joel still didn't fit in but he stood out less and he ruthlessly protected his current status.
Mr. Barlow took physics but was also the highest ranking officer in the SCF. He hated Joel with a vengeance and the feeling was mutual. Unfortunately for Joel, all the other boys were aware of it and saw the situation as an opportunity to taunt both pupil and teacher. They would irritate and annoy Joel who would become increasingly agitated. Barlow would notice and it was always Joel who was blamed. Joel had been hit by all manner of flying objects, this time it was a crisp lump of white chalk that bounced off his head. Buster who was sat behind Joel had been kicking his chair and as soon as Joel turned round Barlow struck.
"PAY ATTENTION BOY!" the teacher bellowed and Buster sniggered.
The velocity of the chalk made it shatter, but it still hurt. Joel rubbed his head and gave the teacher a filthy look. Barlow's eyes met Joel's. The boy held the teacher's gaze, with the look of pure hatred he had perfected. Joel was capable of curdling milk with a look. His eyes seemed to darken in anger and one boy said he looked evil. Barlow blinked.
"What was I saying?" he demanded and Joel shrugged sulkily.
Since the accident Joel heard very little Barlow said, the words muffled by the ringing in his injured ear.
"I don't know" Joel admitted.
"I don't know, SIR!" Barlow corrected.
"That's two of us then" Joel said with a glint in his eye.
"Out. OUT! Go and stand outside the Headmaster's study and when he sees you, you can explain why you are there!"
Joel looked quizzical. He knew exactly why, but thought he could still raise Barlow's blood pressure a little more.
"I don't know.... Sir" Joel said finally then added "I could probably guess, I mean when one fails to achieve their goals, one has this terrible sense of failure and self-loathing. By transferring the inner hatred, outward, a temporary respite occurs" he philosophised in his best upper class accent.
It took a few seconds for what he had said to sink in, then Barlow's face began to glow. 'Time to leave' Joel thought and headed for the door.
"INSOLENCE BOY, INSOLENCE" Barlow boomed amid the erupting laughter.
Barlow had been passed over for the position of assistant head some years previously and everyone knew his resentment. The primal instincts of the boys were in full swing and they sought weakness. Oddly enough it was generally the teachers who tried to be nice and see some good in the boys, who fell prey to the rabid wolf cubs. Herrn didn't fall into that category. He was certainly the most laid back teacher, but the boys knew not to mess with him. Joel hadn't started learning German yet but it was inevitable his path would cross with that of Herrn.
Stood outside the Headmaster's study, Joel anxiously looked at the clock on the wall in the corridor. The second hand seemed to tick so slowly. Minute after minute passed as Joel awaited the study door opening and discovery. If he could get through until the bell rang, he would have to go to his next lesson and would escape punishment. Joel always received six strokes from the Headmaster. Generally the boys received either four or six strokes of the cane, but regular visitors like Joel were guaranteed the maximum.
Three more minutes. One hundred and eighty seconds. Joel started counting back as his eyes followed the path of the second hand. He was down to seventy-three when the Head's secretary walked past Joel with barely a glance and knocked on the study door. 'Damn, now the Headmaster will be informed a miscreant is in need of attention'.
"Enter!" came the voice from inside the study and the secretary went in, closing the door behind her.
Joel's eyes went back to the clock. Now the race against time was entering the final crucial climax. 'Come on, come on, come onnnnn' Joel thought urging the clock to tick faster and the bell to sound.
The study door opened again.
"....and send that boy in" the Headmaster ordered and Joel's heart sank.
The bell chose that moment to ring, almost as if to mock the boy. Joel went into the study and the Headmaster who was reading a document, looked up through his eyebrows at the boy.
"I might have guessed" the Headmaster sighed "Who, what, why?"
"Mr.Barlow, insolence, not listening" Joel reeled off.
"I meant why did you do it?"
"I don't know.... Sir" Joel answered with a deliberate pause.
The Headmaster wouldn't recognise the significance of the pause right then but no doubt he would later, after speaking to Barlow. It would be too late then, he wouldn't get another six.
"Why are you smirking boy? I can understand Mr.Barlow's frustration" the Headmaster admonished as he strode purposefully to the rack full of canes on the wall.
"Bend over" he said selecting one and Joel assumed the position.
The audible swish of the cane was quickly followed by a sharp stinging sensation on the buttocks. Joel was glad the Headmaster had a slow rhythm. It allowed the boy to move very slightly, thus changing the point of impact. There was nothing worse than getting hit in the same place. The punishment was over quite quickly, resisting the urge to rub his wounded area Joel offered his hand to the Headmaster who shook it. The Headmaster thought - quite correctly - Joel did it as an act of defiance. Now he had doubts, it seemed to come naturally.
"Thank you.... Sir" Joel said once again adding the pause.
"Get to your class" the Headmaster said softly and shook his head sadly as the boy left the study.
Joel went to his next classroom, knocked on the door and entered.
"What kept you master Phillips?" the maths teacher enquired.
"He was getting beaten for insolence Sir" Buster crowed and the other boys laughed.
"Silence!" the teacher snapped.
"Pretty much what he said Sir" Joel answered when the laughter died down.
"Sit down.... as gingerly as you like" the teacher quipped and laughter broke out again.
Joel deliberately sat back in his chair hard, his face expressionless. His backside hurt but only he would ever know that.
* * * * *
Forester Grammar were flying in the inter-schools rugby championship in all but the first and second years. Joel's year were winning consistently now. With Joel back at hooker and the almost telepathic understanding he had with Kramer made the Forester scrum formidable. Add to that Carrots and Buster for sheer bulk and there were very few teams to touch them.
There was an added bite to the next game for Joel, it was against the local Comprehensive school. Joel thought of the boys in the park. It was time for retribution. During the game Joel deployed some tactics which could only be described as 'ungentlemanly', and when Kramer saw what was going on, he too began using underhanded tactics. Buster was a little slower to catch on and a lot less subtle when he did. Joel tried to make crunching tackles look accidental, a result of over-enthusiasm. It was in the rucks and mauls where the real damage was done. Any exposed vital areas during a loose maul would be hit, bitten, or trodden on, after a quick glance at the referee's whereabouts.
The end product was the Comprehensive boys, who clearly hadn't been subjected to such tactics before, suddenly had a loathing for the ball, and their haste to get rid of it made Forester look good. Forester hammered the Comprehensive school out of sight.
Rugby aside, it is difficult to take too many positives from Joel's life since going to Forester. The highs were few and far between but the lows just kept coming. Every day was a mental battle of wits with peers and teachers alike. His growing friendship with Kramer had saved some abuse but some boys just couldn't help themselves when it came to mocking a disability. The inability to hear made it difficult to know if someone was laughing at Joel or at something else. Eye contact was Joel's measure but it didn't always work. On average he had been fighting twice a week before the current lull, and consequently getting caned a similar number of times.
With Joel trouble was never far away and it had been too quiet, too long. It was then Joel saw two boys whom he suspected had been talking behind his back. They had made comments when he was incapacitated and Joel hadn't forgotten it. As Joel walked past the boys they laughed. Almost in reflex Joel swung a fist at the nearest, hitting the boy on the cheekbone. He fell over and Joel grabbed the other boy in a headlock, swinging him round. He tripped over the first boy on the ground and fell on top of him.
"Think it's funny?" Joel raged at the boys.
"We didn't do anything!" one protested.
"Bastards!" Joel kicked out.
The red mist descended. It was the same red mist that saw Harris in sick bay. In all the altercations Joel had, this was only the second time he lost control. Joel lashed out punching and kicking the two boys who covered themselves with their arms. A passing prefect put his hand on Joel's shoulder. He turned and swung blindly catching the prefect square on the chin and the older boy went down as if pole-axed. The mist evaporated as though a hypnotist had snapped his fingers bringing Joel out of a trance. He spotted Herrn approaching.
"Phillips! Gymnasium after school in your PE kit"
Joel spent the rest of the day wondering what Herrn had in store for him. At least Herrn was dealing with it and there wouldn't be the chance of another letter home. Whatever Herrn had in mind couldn't be worse than his father's belt. Word had gone round and the other boys were equally intrigued to find out what Herrn would do. Joel didn't care what the punishment would be, it was far better than facing his father and a pile of letters when he went home at the holidays. One of the boys Joel hit approached him before the last lesson. With a worried look on his face, he said:
"We weren't laughing at you Phillips, honest"
"Maybe not then, but you did last term!"
The boy looked shame-faced down at his shoes.
"I'm sorry"
"Forget it" Joel said suddenly feeling guilty he'd hit the boy.
The last lesson Joel didn't concentrate at all. Thoughts of what Herrn was going to do flitted across his mind, but generally he was thinking of his behaviour and temper. 'What was wrong with me?' he thought for the umpteenth time as his eyes glazed and he fought hard not to let the tears emerge. The bell brought Joel out of his 'day-mare' and he went to get changed. Kramer came in.
"What is Herrn going to do?"
"How the hell do I know" answered with irritation, worry made Joel snappy.
Joel went to the gym and saw a lot of boys lining the windows outside. Whatever Herrn had in mind it was going to be very public. Herrn was in the gym in his shirt sleeves, a cigarette in his mouth. At his feet was two pairs of boxing gloves, a tennis racket, and a stack of tennis balls. Joel was confused and more than a little worried. Herrn put the cigarette out and threw Joel a pair of gloves.
"Put them on" he said, putting the other pair on himself.
With a frown Joel obeyed.
"Why were you fighting this time?"
"I thought they were laughing at me because I'm deaf, Sir"
"Okay, you think you are tough, now you can show me. Hit me"
"I don't want to, Sir"
"Didn't you hear me, DEAF BOY? Hit me!"
"Please Sir, I don't want to"
"Little DEAF BOY lost his balls, has he?" Joel wasn't biting, he knew exactly what Herrn was doing.
Herrn didn't give up and for a full five minutes he taunted and ridiculed the boy. Making a decision Joel thought he would launch himself at the teacher and catch him off guard. As Herrn started to speak again Joel threw himself at the teacher arms flailing everywhere. Herrn was ready for the boy. Vaguely aware of, and encouraged by a cheer from the watching boys outside, Joel launched attack after attack on Herrn. Herrn fended the boy off easily and then lashed out.
It was just one hit in the solar plexus and Joel found himself careening backwards, the wind taken out of his sails. He sat back on the floor hard. It felt like he'd been kicked by a mule. Joel just sat there trying to get his breath back and watched Herrn take his gloves off.
"Gloves off, and give me twenty circuits"
Circuits were easy, Joel didn't mind running laps of the gym at all. He took the gloves off and began to trot round slowly. Herrn picked up the tennis racket and a couple of balls. He hit one at Joel, stinging the top of his leg.
"Faster, unless you want to make it easy for me"
Another direct hit on the shoulder encouraged Joel, and he ran faster. Each time Joel slowed down he would get another direct hit and cursed silently. He couldn't help but admire the teacher's accuracy. The boys peering through the windows let out a cheer on each hit. When it was over Joel was bruised and sweating.
"Get yourself showered" Herrn said softly and lit another cigarette as he left the gym.
Joel laughed. He really liked Herrn, or maybe it was respect. Liking a teacher wasn't done, they are the enemy!
* * * * *
The penultimate game of the rugby season was against arch rivals Rangers. Rangers had already won the league and had yet to lose but Forester were on a roll. The emphasis would be on the forwards to do the work, it was the only area Forester had an edge. The preparation was good but Rangers had a right winger who outpaced the Forester defence every time. By half time Rangers led and Sprotty called the boys into a huddle.
"You have to stop their winger. Get tight on him!"
The second half began and Rangers immediately fed the ball out to the nippy winger. His pace was electric and he ran in another try. Forester pulled back almost immediately with a penalty, then for some time after the two teams were locked in stalemate. Joel was determined to do something about the winger and stayed close. When he eventually received the ball it was a 'hospital pass'. He had barely caught the ball when Joel piled into him at full tilt. The boy was knocked off the field and sent sprawling into a line of boys who were watching the game. The winger was shaken but continued. This signalled the onset of some heavy tackles and the game became spiteful.
Rangers may have been better ball players but when it came to rucking there wasn’t a school to match Forester and they began to eat into the deficit. The next time the winger received the ball he knew what to expect and jinked past Joel. Incensed he gave chase. The winger had the acceleration but once Joel had a head of steam he started catching up fast. The nervous winger kept glancing over his shoulder as Joel thundered after him. It was as the winger glanced back one more time that Kramer body-checked him. The winger bounced back off Kramer just as Joel thundered into the back of him. The referee blew his whistle angrily and the Rangers coach came on to assess the damage to his star player. The boy couldn’t continue and was replaced by a boy that looked bigger - and older - than all but the referee.
"I think you broke him" Buster said laughing and further enraged their opponents.
Joel was earmarked for special attention and found himself getting hit hard with some crunching tackles. As Forester pushed for the try which would level up the game a loose maul developed and the Rangers substitute found himself with his head poking out of the Forester end of the ruck. Only minutes early the boy had hurt Joel who now saw a chance of revenge. Oblivious to the referee right behind him, Joel kneed the big substitute in the head and as the maul broke up he fell to the floor.
One of the Rangers players swung a fist at Joel but missed and was kicked between the legs for his pains. The boy doubled over and all hell broke loose as both teams squared up to each other. It took several teachers to break up the mass brawl that ensued. When the dust had settled Joel was sent off.
Forester lost the game and Joel was deemed to have disgraced the school. He was the first pupil in the history of the school to be sent off a field of play. On Monday morning as the boys gathered in the hall, Joel saw the cane on top of the Headmaster's desk. The sending off was to cost him his second public flogging, he would be the first boy since Keats to get more than one. After the singing of Jerusalem the Headmaster addressed the assembly.
"The good name of the school has been sullied. Never before has such disgraceful behaviour been observed on a sports field by a Forester boy"
The Headmaster paused briefly and was staring right at Joel when he carried on with his speech.
"Even though one individual – the main protagonist – was sent from the field of play, it was evident that others allowed their discipline to slip and joined the melee. This type of behaviour will not be tolerated. Phillips! Come here!"
Joel had been expecting it and he made his way to the stage. The Headmaster didn’t have to tell him this time, Joel rested his upper body across the desk as he had before. Joel offered his customary handshake when the caning was over but the Headmaster would never publicly accept the hand. The small act of defiance divided opinion about the boy. To some teachers Joel was an insolent trouble-maker, but to one or two they saw a quality in the boy. He had spirit which should be harnessed, not have it beaten out of him. It was for those teachers Joel did well.
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